Akinowa & Meri
hat I am sharing is not only "my" story but the story of others who are a
part of me...
It was when the crescent moon was nearing the western hills and dawn hinted of pale blue in the east..when the soul is quiet and still and filled with hope, the magical part of darkness, that's when Great Mystery beckoned to me ...
"Remember...there is more to life than this existence... Remember all the other places ...other times...
"Yes.... I do remember some of them... I'm not sure I want to anymore...there are so many and sometimes they are too close to me...Why do I have all these memories? Just what is it I'm supposed to be remembering?... almost feels like something is missing, but I'm not clear on what ...some other part of me? A part that's been lost somehow. How do I go about finding that part? Where to begin?
"Begin with yourself" was the answer I heard in my head... and the search to find what may have filled that empty space began in earnest. This is what brought "Akinowa" to the surface of my mind and heart...from my dreams into my waking life.
My friend's voice was soothing and comforting as she began the regression to another time and place. My contemporary surroundings faded and I just "was"...not any place in particular until I heard a voice telling me "open your eyes".
"I can't." I answered.
"Why can't you?"
"I have no eyes - the birds have picked them from my skull. But I can feel the sun... it is still hot - white hot in a brilliant blue sky. There are no clouds...and the vultures are still hungry."
"Can you go back to the moment you died?"
"Yes..
"Was there someone else there?"
"Yes, a soldier. He had a blue uniform and rode a bay horse - as lathered as my own brave pony was. We were so tired that day... men and horses alike...exhausted from another day of senseless fighting. No one understood things were already decided and we were merely playing out what was written. I'd had more than enough...all that I loved was already gone...
"The soldier's face was tanned but he still had bright golden curls - even through the sweat and dust. His eyes were the bluest I'd ever seen in a white man. He was young... probably not even my age, but his eyes held kindness and in that instant I knew...and he knew that it was my choice to die. Even as the bullet split apart my heart, I gave thanks to him...and to Great Spirit for allowing me to die quickly...and bravely in battle. It was an honorable death and I did not blame the white man. Everything was exactly as it should be... even my turning at the last second, so that the bullet went first through my arm - then into my heart - a heart already broken."
"Dying was not so bad...I'd done it hundreds of times before. Knowing death and facing it fully conscious is incredibly freeing - there truly are no words to express the experience."
"You were killed by a soldier in battle? Do you know where this took place or the year it happened?"
"We are near the great mountains and the plains are to our east. I cannot remember if 1856 is the year of my birth or my death... I am not certain ,as we did not go much by the white man's numbers."
"Can you go back to your childhood? How old are you now?"
"I am five summers. My name is A-kee-no-wah. I am going to be a strong brave like my father and uncle. My uncle is the chief and he's a great warrior. My father is brave as well."
"I spend time with my mother. She helps people when they are sick. She knows all about plants and herbs. I go with her and carry her basket when she gathers her medicine plants. She teaches me much - not only about plants but stories about our people and Great Spirit and Great Mystery. She is very kind - and very beautiful - inside as well as outside."
"I have a younger sister that I like to make laugh - which is very easy. She thinks I'm funny and she giggles a lot."
"You are older now...maybe around ten or eleven,.What are you doing now?"
"I go off with my father more now ~ soon I will be with the other boys-who-are-becoming-men and we will train to become brave warriors. Even now most of the others don't want to be on a team against me. I can hit my prey from distances the others cannot. I enjoy being able to do this...it is a good skill and I am proud that I can help feed our people. I am also good with the horses - we talk to each other...I know how they think and how they will react. I can ride the wildest of them with no fears...we are brothers...we are friends."
"How old are you now?"
"I am sixteen summers. I am grown...a man. I am bigger than my father now. He does not always seem pleased that my skills are great...sometimes greater than his. My uncle who was leader of our village has been wounded and is no longer able to lead. (Even though his body still functions - his mind does not.) My father - his brother - has taken over that role...and we do not agree on much. He still feels that we should fight the white man at all costs. I can see the future and know we will not triumph. Neither will win...but we ~ red and white man alike ~ will fight until there are no more left to fight . Why must it be this way? Can they not see the waste of following this path? Am I the only one who can see this - that our people will die?"
"These thoughts anger my father ...so he has decided to send me away. He tells the others that it is my wish to go, and in some ways that is true...I do wish to be away from him...but I hate to leave my mother and sister, who is just approaching womanhood...I will miss them...but for some reason I know I must do this. I agree and prepare to journey to my mother's people who live in the great mountains."
"The trip takes four days and the ride into the mountains is beautiful and peaceful...and I am happy again, as I was as a small boy. I thank Great Mystery and Father sky for giving us such beauty. At evening as I made camp and sat by the fire gazing up at the many stars watching me from the sky. I would feel Mother earth's warmth around me and through my tears I gave thanks for her beauty and for giving me food and water and allowing me to walk the good red road. I slept so peacefully those nights on the trail to my mother's people. In many respects, I wished the journey would last forever."
"The day I rode into camp was one of those warm days just as spring and summer meet, making you unsure of just exactly what season you're really in. The sun seemed so bright in those days ~ so breathtakingly beautiful. It was as though everything hung suspended in the early morning light ...tipis echoed against the mountains and smoke from the fires slipping into the morning mist. There were a few people moving around and they stared at me intently as I rode my horse into their circle. Once they knew who I was, it became a day of catching up on the news of families. Most who had known my father understood the real reason why I was probably there and their kindness made me feel at home.
"I was fortunate that I had a strong healthy body. I was perhaps taller than most other Arikara ~ maybe 5'11" or so. I wore my hair long and loose ~ below my shoulders... when I would hunt I fastened it back. My teeth were white and strong ~ I did not consider myself handsome, but women did pay attention to my passing. Walking, running, hunting and riding kept me strong and fit - it was a way of life that kept us all healthy."
"I hadn't been settled in more than a day or so when I took the walk that changed my life...forever. That morning I had decided to bring in a rabbit or some small game as a gift of thanks to those who treated me as a son. I started out before the dawn touched the eastern sky and found a perfect place by a wide stream. My eyes scanned the trees in the distance and I tensed as I saw movement. I readied my bow - but just as quickly I put it down."
"What I saw was certainly not a target for a deadly arrow, but the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen! She came quickly out of the woods , looking cautiously around, hoping to find herself alone, no doubt. She was so graceful, her long jet black hair was loose and swayed when she walked. She had the walk of a woman who was sure of herself...and she took my breath away. Ho!"
"She was alone and I could feel her concern lest she be discovered. I don't know how or why but I could feel what she was feeling. She slowly began to undress to bathe in the stream before the others came to muddy it and it was at that point that I accidentally gave myself away ~ something I hadn't done for years, since I was a boy. A misstep and a snapped branch sent the birds who were just waking up all around me, flying high into the air! At that point I had to come forward - she was frightened of who or what could be out there and I assumed my presence would reassure her.(Why do men think they know how a woman will react?)
I was sure at the time that I'd ruined any chance with her, for as I got closer I could feel her anger coming at me like arrows from my bow! Ouch! So much for the brave warrior protecting this small defenseless woman! Yet I knew as soon as I looked into her beautiful almond shaped brown eyes, so alive with this golden inner light, that I loved her. Not only that, but we had known each other many times before and that our future was definitely going to be with each other! How I knew this and more ~ in an instant ~ I do not know. But she knew it also...
I could see it, feel it; that she knew it too, but just as quickly as the "knowing" was there...it was gone. And her angry arrows were zinging at me once more...and once more I made a mistake...I laughed ...at her anger! Knowing what was to come with us in the future...it all seemed so silly - her being angry at me! (Men can be very foolish sometimes...it takes a woman to teach them how to play the games of love. They are so necessary and once you understand the rules, even quite enjoyable!) Oh, how she did make me pay for that first laugh, even though we both laughed about it often later...she never let me forget .
After she got over the initial upset of being seen by a man who would dare laugh at her, we finally got down to the business of getting to know each other. We became friends all over again in that lifetime. It was a magical summer...some of the happiest memories are of that golden time. I can still see Meri as she was that first summer - young, beautiful, full of life and ripening into love...our love. I was so strong...I would protect her against everything and everyone and keep her safe forever. I was so sure and confident of everything...then.
"We were so young and in love, for us no one else existed. I wonder how we managed to get anything else accomplished. We would meet every chance we could at our secret place by the stream. (We did find out later that our "secret" turned out to be common knowledge among many in our camp...but I guess our love was truly blessed for no one ever let on they knew about our trysts.) Our private place was a huge old tree with branches coming down to meet the tall grasses growing up from Mother earth, and we would spent as many hours as we could in each others arms wrapped within the sacred arms of that welcoming tree...our silent ally."
"The summer slipped by and it was soon time for me to go back to my father's village...which by this point I really did not want to do... but I truly did not have much to say in the matter. I knew I had to ask Meri to come back with me as my bride. She agreed (thank you Meri!) and it was soon arranged.
Although it seemed forever until the day of the ceremony, autumn had not fully arrived and time hung almost suspended. The day itself was another of those bright beautiful days... were they all like that, or did I just hold them that way in my heart... I truly don't know.
My Meri was exquisite - dressed in white buckskin as soft as her skin. I never saw her look happier...she radiated happiness like the light from the sun. ( Did you know that happiness is a soft golden glow? It is.) I don't remember many details...I guess I was more nervous than I thought. I do remember how happy we were...I'll never forget that feeling. We were so innocent and so sure we'd live a long and happy life together...untouched by life's hardships...nothing could touch us ~ protected and made invincible by our love.
It was a love that went through the centuries - it brought us together from lifetime to lifetime...love that strong would surely keep us safe and from harm...a love that could never die or never end...that last part is true, but we are never sent into this world to be untouched...we need to experience everything - the sweet and the bittersweet. I learned those words well in that lifetime.
After our wedding , Meri and I journeyed back to my village where we were greeted with best wishes from my family, but inevitably and unfortunately the tensions with my father continued. After an especially difficult day , it dawned on me that my father was jealous of me! That stunned me for I had never openly competed with him. Why couldn't he just be happy for me - he had the same things I had - a beautiful wife, family, respect of friends. I couldn't understand. (It wasn't until we both left this life that I realized he never felt that my mother loved him as much as she loved me! My father, I am sorry for any pain I have caused you, but it is between you and my mother, is it not?) I was just so fortunate that I had my Meri -we could shut out all the tension and frustration when we were together.
The tenuous peace we had with the white man was continually threatened - all we wanted was to be allowed to live as we always had - to keep our ways with the earth, but they wanted the one thing we never claimed to own - the land. They couldn't understand when we tried to tell them that no one can "own" the earth.
And so life continued...I was happy and content with my beautiful mate yet concerned by the continued and unnecessary fighting with the white man. Still, we had to protect our families, our people...did we not? The white man offered friendship from one side of his mouth and broken promises from the other. We wanted to trust and believe them but they gave us no reason to do either.
Life was good... time passed quickly and suddenly Meri was with child and we were ecstatic! We watched , amazed, as her belly grew and grew. The little one within was making tiny earthquakes ~ a son! I was sure of this and as her time grew nearer we prepared a cradle board for our son. It was late summer when he finally decided to join us. Such a loud baby - coming noisily into our arms and into our hearts! We all heard his arrival and rejoiced! A son! I am a father ! I looked deeply into Meri's eyes and read her soul ~ we could see generations before us and generations behind us...As we smiled the sadness was there even then, but we quickly blocked it out.
(Oh, Meri, you know if I could have spared you all the pain that was to come, I would have...even now as I tell this story, the tears still come quickly to my eyes - her eyes ~ the woman who writes our story.)
Time passed and my son grew quickly. He was a good boy - quieter than his first squalls indicated. The three of us were happy together..I was fulfilled...content. I had everything a man could ever want, then, just when I felt my heart could contain no more joy...I found out we had another child coming! Joy overflowing ! Thank you Great spirit for these great blessings.
During the times I would be out hunting or the few times it would be necessary to make war raids, Meri would busy herself learning all the healing ways of our people. My mother was a good teacher and loved Meri almost as much as I did, I think.They were both very much alike ~ both with the kind gentle nature of the compassionate healer.....although Meri did have this twinkle in her eye...and I could read her thoughts...that is when she let me! We were truly happy just in each other's presence - she was a perfect balance for me and I for her.
Those last few winters were very cruel - the weather was unusually cold, with snows coming early and heavily. Rumors had been spreading of a dreadful white man's disease - terrible fever, coughing and almost always death...and it came to our camp.
Immediately my mother went too those who were ill and needed help, but very soon she came down with the dreaded illness herself! I was suddenly so frightened! What good are hunting skills and bravery against this? "Great spirit, please spare my mother, a good woman, wise in the ways of healing and helping her people. They need her...please, Great Spirit, let her live and help her people".
But my mother grew weaker and Meri constantly begged me to allow her to help. What was I to do? Our child was yet unborn and my mother lay dying. I decided to go in Meri's place so our daughter would have safe entrance into this world. Meri gave me instructions in how best to care for my mother ~ but Great Spirit did not mean for her to stay with us for long. I held her as she left this walk on the good red road. She smiled and thanked me for being her son and my tears dried on her face before I could set her free. I thought that was the worst pain I would face...I was wrong.
Great Spirit never takes without giving something in return and it was soon after my mother passed from this life that spring arrived and with her came our baby daughter. Joy entered our hearts once more. Meri and I breathed a big sigh of relief and enjoyed our beautiful and healthy daughter .
She reminded me of a little brown feather...which became her name. Her laugh was like the splashing of a waterfall and her smiles lit up the sky like the sun after a long night. We were happy - it seemed like the good times lasted such a short while - yet those moments are timeless. I can recall them so easily and they will always be with me...but strangely enough, Meri is always pictured as she was the day I first saw her...that young beautiful maid who tried to be so angry with me and knowing full well what was really taking place between us...oh, Meri, will I ever find you again? Will we know each other the way we did then? So young and in love...how long must I wait in this life?
It wasn't long before the dreaded white man's sickness came back to our village. It wasn't enough that they took away our land - now they took our health and lives as well. My little Brown feather was just two summers old and my son was almost five summers , when the illness struck the camp swiftly and heavily. Meri was was twenty one summers and I was just twenty three...young and healthy...Meri , of course wanted to apply all her many healing skills and I, of course, with my usual reaction , immediately forbade her to put herself in the middle of the sickness...how else could she help?
She became angry and called me stubborn and selfish! How could I tell her that I was scared to go on living if I should lose her? My pride wouldn't let me tell her these fears...I wanted no signs of "weakness" at this critical time...pride, stupid wasteful pride! So she followed her heart and went on her own to help her people - our people. People that I cared about very deeply...but not ever as deeply as I cared about her...she was my love...my life!
When I found out that she had gone behind my back to help, I was furious - and more frightened than I had ever been - somewhere deep within, I knew what was going to happen...and it did, as though I drew it to us like a moth to a flame. Meri, my Meri, caught that dreaded disease! My greatest fear had come true! I did everything I could think of to try to help her - to change what I knew was coming...I called in every medicine man, woman and healer. I begged Great spirit to take me and spare her...anything, but please , just let her live." Please don't take my Meri" ...but to no avail...it all happened so fast. I didn't know she could leave so quickly...
"Meri, I beg you,don't leave me... Please don't leave me! I can't do this without you! Great Spirit... all my Ancestors, I am begging you...don't take her, please don't take her! No, Meri, you can't do this! This can't really be happening...NO! NO-O! NO-O-O-! Don't leave me , please...don't... I'll find you, I swear it...I'll keep looking til I find you...I don't care how long, how far, how many lifetimes it takes...Meri, I won't ever give up ...I can't give up ...I love you Meri, always....oh, Meri."
And just like that she was gone - out of my life...there in one instant bright and pure - and the next I was in darkness...and so alone...gone the bright golden days of sunshine and happiness. Everything was in shadow...even little Brown Feather didn't shine as brightly in my eyes, although I held her close to me, it was as though she, too, wanted to leave my arms. I don't know how but my heart must have gone on beating and my lungs breathing for I continued to live...to exist . Somehow through the shimmering haze of pain, my heart kept beating and my mind was trying to push out the awful fact that my son ,too, had left this world to be with his mother...how is it possible for a heart so full of pain go on?
Somehow I must have gone on living... my sister helped care for my daughter. I spent as much time as I could with little Brown Feather, but the pain of remembering what I once had, kept me from truly being with her... when I looked at her, all I could see were Meri's eyes looking back at me, wondering about all the anger and pain...when in life we had shared so much love.
'Why did I have to be so prideful and angry to forbid you to do what your heart asked? Maybe if I hadn't forced you into secrecy you could have been more careful and you would still be here and we would be together..Why? Why? Please...I want to go back and change all this! Great Spirit, take away this pain! I don't want to remember anymore..it hurts so! Please little Brown Feather, don't look at me with your mother's eyes !"
Inevitably there was a raid by the whites - I don't think it was army, probably just some others out looking for trouble...out to get the red man angry so they could justify fighting us. Many of the braves were out hunting and it seemed each time we would have to go further from our camp since the white man was driving the game away. I remember riding my tired and sweated pony over that last hill before our camp came into view and having this strange feeling in my stomach - that awful feeling of dread...when your heart drops to your feet and back - then begins to pound as though it's trying to jump out of your chest....you get this tingling in your spine, and you just want to run... somewhere...anywhere...just as long as its as fast as you can go.
I was the first one back and couldn't believe what my eyes were screaming to my brain - our entire encampment was destroyed! By fire - by sheer brutality - for no reason! Women , children, all our elders ~ gone! Ice replaced blood in my veins - I knew little Brown Feather and my sister were dead. I knew it as surely as I knew I would have to take the next breath - if it would have been possible to bring them back by never taking another breath, I would have held that one forever.
I cannot clearly see what they did to my daughter, thankfully there are some things that just cannot be recalled - the terrible pain in my head stops the memories... but once spirit has fled, does it really matter what happens to the body? ( But why did they have to do those horrible things to my baby? and my sister?) Will this crushing weight ever leave my heart? How can it hurt so when there can be nothing left of it by now?
"Thank you Great Spirit , for sparing my Meri this awful sight... my family is safe and together ...isn't it time now for me to join them?"
But my time was not quite finished , even then. The other warriors were in not much better shape than I, but they were ready to do battle to seek revenge for their murdered loved ones. They were alive with rage and it was burning them beyond all reason. They were ready to engage all bluecoats or any white man for that matter. I remained coldly reasonable, for by now there was no longer blood flowing in my body...only ice. My mind was as clear as the mountain air is in winter... I knew it was futile ~ I knew how we ~ they, would all end up...as food for the vultures. Maybe a few would survive - only to ready themselves for another futile battle. I could see the future and the future of our people. It would be a long time before the red race would be held in a place of honor and our ways of respect for the earth would be held sacred... a long, long time. But it would come...regardless of the fate of these few and of myself. They looked to me for leadership now...it was better to die in battle I suppose , than to turn tail and run....besides, it was all so pointless now anyway.
"So come my brothers, let us die a good death. We will show them how the red man fights a true and honest battle ~ man to man ! Not killing women, old people and babies" (Little Brown Feather - oh!)
After honoring our dead, gathering provisions and our weapons, we headed off to fight...my last battle.
And that's where the young blonde soldier and I made our agreement to end the life of the young brave, Akinowa. It was a conscious choice to leave this "earth-walk" Through no coincidence the woman who writes my story also carries my scar on her arm...the exact spot where the bullet entered my arm on its way to my heart. (If you ask her, she'll probably show it to you.)
We are all searching for something...maybe the part of ourselves that we see in others who mirror us...but sometimes the other part of us walks the earth, too... and so the search for my beloved Meri will continue, for it is now her journey, the woman who writes my story...her quest, too. She will know as soon as she sees those eyes... and when she hears two hearts singing the same song throughout eternity....she'll know.
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