But, I love you!
he two lovers sat quietly, eating a romantic dinner at home.
A quiet little table for two, they sit, and stare into each other�s eyes longingly, as the candles flicker silently over their love-struck faces. They silently dab at their plates, pushing the food about slowly. The woman looks down at her plate, and the man slowly spoons up a forkful of spaghetti. He speaks.
"This was a great idea honey. I love you so much." he makes kissy faces at her.
"I love you so much too..." she makes kissy faces back.
"I love you more..." he says, leaning forward to kiss her.
A sound from the next room interrupts them as they are about to kiss. But then they hear a cat cry out.
"Oh, that gosh-darned cat." says the woman. "She must have knocked over the vase. I had better go look." she starts to go, but the man grasps her fingers lovingly.
"Don�t go! Don�t spoil this perfect moment. Please, darling..."
"Yes... you are right."
He stares at her fingers, looking at them like they were a million dollars. "You have such perfect fingers. I just want to kiss them..."
"Oh, please do!"
He kisses her fingers, and then her wrist, and then her forearm.
"Oh..." she says, "The last time anything like this ever happened... was with Bob..."
The man stops, his mood totally spoiled. "Bob? Why are you always going on about your ex-husband?"
"Well, I just feel so bad for leaving him... like I did..."
"You shouldn�t! Wasn�t he a little..." he waves his finger in circles around his right temple. "...kookoo?"
"Oh, he was only a little possessive! He wasn�t that bad!"
"Yeah, he only beat the crap out of your boss for laughing when he saw you had a run in your stocking! Because he thought the man was flirting with you! And he only wrecked your car, three different cars, I should say, on various occasions, all related to him thinking that you were seeing someone else!! He only fell off the roof when he saw the mailman comment on your new skirt!! The man was more than a little possessive, darling! he leans back, clearly flustered. He loosens his tie and wipes his brow.
"Still... he was so needy... I can�t help but feel..." she looks off, distantly.
"I know how you feel on this subject, and frankly, I�m sick of hearing what you feel!"
They both sit back, clearly angry at each other. Both position themselves so they cannot see the other. They look away, then they look back at each other. Finally, they come together again, the man holding the woman�s fingers.
"Oh dearest! Let�s never fight again, OK?" says the woman.
"Yes darling! I hate it so, when we argue!" they lean forward, touching their cheeks together, and grinning off into space.
They lean back, grinning silently at one another, and continue eating their meal.
At this point, if there had been a third observer in the room, that person would have noticed the man in the shadows carrying the huge axe, tip-toeing slowly towards them. Neither one of the two lovers noticed, as they were intently concentrated on each other.
The woman... loved his dark good looks... the way his cheeks glowed when he smiled... the way his hair seemed to dance in the candle-light. The man, he loved her hair, long and jet black... the way it curled about her face... her eyes, sparkling softly as the candles flickered...
The man in the darkness lunges forward, and slams the blade of the axe into the wood of the table, biting in deep. The plates clatter about, falling off the table and smashing on the floor. The woman screams, and the man nearly falls off of his chair, as he too, screams in surprise and horror.
The axe-man stares at the woman, grinning.
"HONEY!! I�m hooo-ooo-ooo-me!!!!" he bellows, grinning wider.
The woman stares in disgust, surprise and shock. "BOB!!"
"BOB?!?!" says her lover, looking back between the two of them.
Bob looks at the man, then cocking his eye-brow as he glances back at the woman.
"Ellen, who is this man? Why is he in my home, sitting in my chair, eating my dinner, using my napkins, and making time WITH MY WIFE?!?!?!"
Ellen, the woman, slams down her fork at stares intently back at Bob. She is not impressed.
"Bob, what the HELL are you doing here?"
Bob looks down at the ground, then places his foot on the table to brace himself. He grips the handle of the axe tighter, and pulls as hard as he can. The axe pops out of the table with a splinter of wood, and Bob stumbles backwards.
"Love Muffin," he says, grinning. "Would you believe I found this," he points to the axe, "In OUR cellar???? Who would�ve thought??? This huge, man-killer axe, in our cellar!! Amazing, isn�t it?"
"Not really Bob! You bought that axe four years ago, in Detroit. Remember? You said you were going to use it to dismember that mail-man who you thought was flirting with me, and who you fell off the roof to chase after!!"
"I still say he was flirting with you..." Bob mumbles.
Ellen�s lover looks up, "Say Bob, what are you doing here anyway? Why don�t you take a hike, OK?"
"Hey, Johnny... why don�t you shut up, OK? I�m trying to have a conversation with my wife here." Bob leans tiredly on the axe, and smacks his lips, looking about disinterestedly.
"Bob, I am not your wife anymore! I divorced you three years ago, remember? That whole court settlement thing?"
"I�m not following you... did you say divorce?"
"Yes Bob. I don�t love you."
Bob looks from John to Ellen. Then he sits down next to Ellen, dropping the axe and letting it clatter to the floor. He puts his arms around her, and tears come to his eyes.
"Honey, I know we were having problems... but that�s all behind us now, right? he sobs quietly, trying to choke back the emotion. "We can work it out, right?"
John tries and fails to stifle a laugh.
"Bob, get your arms off of me." she moves her shoulders so as to shrug off his arms. "Listen, I love John now. We�re together, and we love each other."
Bob nods understandingly, looking back at John, and sighs softly. "It�s all such a shock... when did this happen?"
"Bob! We talked about this! After the divorce! I told you all about John then! You understood it then! You were okay with it, then! What�s the matter with you??"
John stares amusedly at the two of them, grinning like an idiot. Ellen and Bob look at him, like he shouldn�t be there. He raises his hands pointing wildy. "Oh no! Please, continue! Don�t allow my presence to bother you." He grins again, and leans forwards, resting his face in his hands, as he stares at the two of them, grinning, and watching it all like it were Days Of Our Lives.
"Bob?" says Ellen.
"Ellen... You�re going to have to run that by me again... I didn�t quite understand the.... the, uh... the, divorce... part of it?"
"Bob..." she looks at him with disgust in her eyes. "This is exactly why I divorced you! You�re so difficult sometimes! You never take no for an answer, and you never put the seat down! You�re impossible! Why can�t you get it through your thick skull?" she points at John, grinning and shaking her head as though she were talking to a child. "I love John! John is good." She points back at Bob, and begins shaking her head and frowning, waving her hands as thought to push him away. "I hate you! You, are bad!"
Bob sits for a moment, looking at Ellen. Then he points at John, and shakes his head, and frowns, as though thinking deeply. Then, he points back at himself, nodding his head up and down, and frowning even deeper. Then he looks up, and puts his finger to chin, still thinking and trying to grasp the concept.
"So, what you are saying is... You love him, and you think I am pond scum?"
"Lower than pond scum!" she says, relieved.
"OK! Now, now that we�ve worked that out, let�s eat!" Bob says, grabbing a fork and starting to eat off of John�s plate. He doesn�t seem to care.
As they eat for a few seconds, John and Ellen seemingly relieved that Bob has gotten over it, Bob leans back against his chair, slipping his arm around the back of Ellen�s chair. He fiddles with the thin strap on her dress, trying to pull it up, and then lean around so he can look down the front of her dress at her cleavage.
She pulls back on his arm, grabbing his hand and sliding away from him. "BOB!!!" she screams. She leaps from her chair, staring at him angrily. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???"
"I was just trying to get a peek at your... uh... hehe... You know, maybe I thought we could... sneek upstairs and..." he grins suggestively, darting his eyebrows up and down. He stands up and tries to put his hands on her waist.
John jumps up, to the rescue, and positions himself in between the two of them. "Okay pal," he says to Bob. "Just back off."
"Hey, what have you two got going on here, huh Ellen?"
"Bob, we�re engaged, you know that."
"Honey, we�re not engaged. We�re married." Bob says.
"No we are not Bob! We got divorced over three years ago! It�s over, OK?"
"Yeah, man... I think it�s time you left." says John. He motions that Bob should go.
"Ok, Ok, I�m going, I�m going..." He bends down, picking up the axe. "If you want a divorce though, Ellen, I get the axe."
"Whatever Bob." she says, disgusted. Ellen and John sit down again to eat.
"Ellen?"
"Yes Bob?" she doesn�t look at him.
"Do you love him? Do you know that you love him?" he asks, pointing at John, his eyes welling with tears, he puts his hand against his mouth, sobbing quietly.
"Nobody thinks you�re funny Bob." she slams her fork to the smashed table, looking up at Bob. "Of course I love John."
"But... Ellen?"
"What?"
"How..." he raises the axe, and John begins to turn. Bob begins to finish his sentence. "How you can you love a man with no head?" he lunges, smashing the axe into John�s chair, missing him by mere millimetres.
John instinctively leaps from his chair and runs down the hall, screaming in horror as he heads towards the kitchen. Ellen runs after him, screaming as though each step were her last.
Bob stops, watching them run. He looks down at the axe.
"Axe... we got work to do."
He lets out a blood-curdling scream, and chases after the two lovers as they try to escape.
