The Day Cloning Went Awry
octor Screwy! Doctor Screwy!" the aide shouted excitedly. "We've done it! We've cloned
a human being!" She stopped and looked around. Where was Dr. Screwy? Aha!
"Guess what, guess what?" the insignificant extra puffed as she ran up to the head scientist. "Hey, Doc, what are you doing?" "I'm enriching my powerful mind," said Screwy as Mario hopped around on the screen. The scientist giggled like a schoolgirl. "Tee hee! I love watching the fat little plumber. . .do stuff!"
"But, doctor. . ." whined the aide.
Screwy cut her off with a nasty look. "Quit it, you, or I'll remind you how expendable you are in this story. Now look; this is what I call a gambit." Mario hopped in a hole, but as he fell, he grabbed a little eggy-thing. Screwy jumped up and down, threw the gamepad away and shouted, "Yahoo! Yahoo! I got Yoshi!"
"Lovely, Doctor. Now, could we?" the aide said. Screwy sighed and stood up.
"All right, whatever your name is, but first let me turn the Nintendo off, okay?"
He kicked the idiot box out the window. After a second or two, a little voice yelled up, "Ow! It's raining Nintendos! Hey, cool! Super Mario World! I've always wanted to play this. . ."
The poor guy outside babbled on and on, as his brain was sucked dry by the evil force that is known as Nintendo. Meanwhile, Dr. Screwy and his assistant took a look at their latest cloning miracle, Rush Limbaugh.
"Poetry in motion!" exclaimed Screwy. "Let him out, my nameless, ill-fated aide! I want to see if this clone is viable." The aide walked over and pushed a few buttons, and BAM! The world had another Rush Limbaugh.
Limbaugh jumped out of the container and ran over to Doctor Screwy. "Hey, Doc," he said, "Can ya tell me where the local N.R.A. chapter is?"
Stunned, Screwy pointed out the door. Thanking him, Limbaugh rushed (no pun intended) out into the street to spread right-wing propaganda to the masses.
"You doodle-head!" the aide screamed. "What were you thinking? Now I'm going to have to go out and sedate everyone. You might as well come with me, Doc. After all, you kicked Super Mario out the window."
The two scientists hurried out into the street. There, they found the hapless victim of Ninten- do sitting in the street with a "Vote Dole" bumper sticker slapped across his head. The poor fool didn't notice; he was on the last level for goodness's sake!
"He's been here," said Screwy.
"No duh." The aide bent down and asked the man forcefully, "Did you see which way he went?"
The man mumbled, "Must vote Dole. Must stomp goombas. Must vote Kemp. Must save princess. . ."
The assistant stood up and shook her head forlornly. "It's no good. He's too far gone. Curse Nintendo! Curse the G.O.P.!"
"Hey, watch it," said Screwy. "Never use Nintendo in the same sentence as Republicans, all right?"
As the pair ran, Screwy's aide turned to him and said, "Doesn't this remind you of Species,Doc?"
"Yeah," said Screwy, "but I'd much rather be attacked by Natasha Henstridge than Rush Limbaugh."
"Ah," said the assistant. "A stupid comment from a stupid guy who stupidly cloned a stupid Republican!
"Don't be stupid."
The pair eventually caught up with Limbaugh. He was at a gay-bashing rally with Jerry Solo- mon passing out M-70s. Just in time, Screwy ran up onstage and tore the guns out of the crazed Re- publicans' hands. "You people make a bad name for sane Republicans!" shouted Screwy.
"Uh, Doctor," said the aide diffidently, "Isn't that an oxymoron?"
"Yeah, I guess it is."
Seeing their riot failing, Jerry Solomon and the Rush Limbaugh clone fled. Screwy and his aide tried to follow them, but decided better of it when they saw the swelling mass of people with guns.
After performing riot control for two hours, the trail had gone cold. The poor, expendable aide ran up to Dr. Screwy and sighed, "This is a real quandary. There's no way to find the runaway Republicans now!"
"I'd say we could pick up the trail right there," said Screwy, pointing to a group of kids in a playground praying. The two liberal crusaders ran through the playground and into a bad part of town. Here, graffiti was rampant. "Vote Dole & Kemp" signs were plastered all over the place, and all the residents wore three-piece suits.
"I don't like this place, Doc," said the little aide nervously. Just then, a kid with a mile-high mohawk stomped toward them and held out his fist. He growled, "G.O.P. forever!" and stomped off.
Screwy said, "Well that was a mundane mugging." The two resumed walking.
The assistant nodded her head. "I liked it better when they smacked you across the face with a chain and you woke up pregnant."
"That would be no problem," said Screwy. "You could just have an abortion."
Suddenly, the whole world froze. Everyone in the slum stared at the two scientists aghast. Then, a deep rumbling rose from the east, indicating the coming of the Rush Limbaugh clone.
"Did somebody say, �abortion?'" the monster roared. "Did somebody say �abortion!?'"
Knowing how expendable she was, the laboratory assistant pulled a pin from behind her. "So, we meet at last you loathsome Limbaugh!"
Limbaugh chortled. "What are you going to do with that? Pop me? Aaaaahahahahahaaaa!"
The assistant did just that. She trotted over to the robust Republican and poked him. Sudden- ly, there was a hissing of air and the crazed commentator flew through the streets of the slum. He was never seen nor heard from again.
Running up to her, Screwy said, "I didn't think you had it in you! After all, you are just an expendable extra."
"You doubt me, Doc," she replied. "After all, I did undergo rigorous training in my fat-guy popping class in college
And so, the evil Rush Limbaugh clone crisis was finally finished. A semblance of sanity once again reigned over the world, but for how long?
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