om walked by Billy's bedroom in the dark hallway and stubbed his little toe on a football helmet. He gritted his teeth to keep from screaming, and when he looked down, he saw a thin ribbon of light coming from under Billy's door. He rubbed the stubble of his beard, and then knocked lightly.
"Billy?"
He heard the bedside light click off and saw the light under door disappear.
Tom tried the door and found it unlocked. He turned the knob, then let it go. He stared at it for while. Then he grabbed it again, and opened the door.
"Billy? he whispered.
"What Dad?"
"Why are you up, son? It's two in the morning. There's school tomorrow."
"I'm going to sleep now, Dad."
"Are you okay?"
"Yes."
Billy didn't sound right. Tom switched on the ceiling light.
"Dad!"
Billy turned away, but not before Tom saw the tears on his cheeks. Tom studied his son's muscular back and shoulders, noticing how football practice and weight training were shaping his son into a man. The tears jarred him into remembering the man's body was still connected to a sixteen year old boy.
"What's wrong, son?"
"Nothing. Leave me alone. Please." Billy put his arm over his eyes.
"Billy ..."
"Dad, please," Billy insisted.
Tom stood there for a long time, silent. Then he shrugged, turned off the light, and left the room. He resumed his journey to the kitchen. He fixed a sandwich and ate it without tasting it. The milk was cold, that's all he remembered. When he was done, he put the utensils in the dishwasher, turned out the light, and walked by Billy's room. His light was on again. Tom leaned his ear to the door and heard Billy talking on the phone. It sounded like he was leaving a message on an answer machine. Tom knocked on the door. Billy hung up and turned out the light.
Tom opened the door and turned on the overhead light again. "What's going on?" he asked.
"Dad, I don't want to talk about it." Again, the back turned and the arm shielding the eyes.
"Who were you talking to?"
"Nobody."
Tom pulled the chair from the desk and sat down.
"Dad, I want to go back to sleep."
"So do I. After we talk."
"Talking about it won't help."
"You don't know until you try."
Billy laid there, silent. Tom sat there, waiting. It was a stand off.
"Is it school work?"
"No, Dad." Tom heard sarcasm in his tone.
"Football?"
"No." Exasperation replaced sarcasm.
"Rebecca?"
Silence. Bingo.
"I was wondering why we haven't seen her around here for a while."
Further silence.
"Did you have a fight with her, Billy?"
"No ... we don't go out anymore." Billy's voice cracked on the last word..
"Why not?"
"Dad ..."
"Is there someone else?"
"No. She just doesn't love me anymore." Billy's voice broke now. Tears sprang from his clear blue eyes and ran down his cheeks. He wiped them away.
"And your life is over, right?" Tom said, smiling. Billy didn't respond.
"Do you still love her?" Tom resumed.
"Dad, I can't talk to you about this."
"Why not?"
"Because you'll make fun of me. You never felt this way."
The words stuck him like a sharp pin. Tom turned away now and looked absently around the room, at the football trophy, the pictures of Michael Jordan on the wall, and the clothes scattered on the floor. Memories from more than twenty years ago flooded into his mind.
"You're wrong, son. I know exactly how you feel.... I never got over my first love."
Billy turned around and studied his father. He was shocked to see tears brimming in his father's eyes also.
"What do you mean?" Billy asked..
"No. Never mind. If your mother ever found out, it would really hurt her."
"I won't tell. I promise." Billy sat up in his bed now.
"Swear."
"I swear," Billy said raising his hand in a boy scout salute.
"Her name was Jennifer. I loved her with all my teenage heart, and she ruined my world with same five words." Tom repeated them. "I don't love you anymore."
"What happened?"
"You know, looking back at it, it wasn't anything major. I think our last fight was when I wanted to leave a movie and she wanted to stay."
"Yeah. So?"
"So I left. She stayed."
"What you mean you left?" Billy asked, eyes wide.
"I got up and walked out."
"You left her there!"
"It was no big deal. I waited for her outside until the movie was over."
"And then what happened?"
"I mean, to me it was just a fight. But to her, oh boy, it was the worst thing anyone could ever do. She slapped me and walked away. I followed her home, trying to make up, but she wouldn't hear of it. I think she just stopped loving me. Just like that." Tom snapped his fingers.
"How do girls do that?" Billy asked.
"I don't know. I do know I wasn't like that. I still loved her. It was terrible. I'd call up, and she'd get her father to answer the phone and say she wasn't home. I'd walk by her house, and she'd close her bedroom curtains. In school, she walked the other way when she saw me coming, and then she'd duck into the girl's room."
"How did you get over her?"
"I married your mother."
"Right away?"
"No. I met your mother years later."
"What did you do in the meantime?"
"Hey, life went on. Sometimes I dated other girls. I tried to have fun. But when you scratched the surface, I was still hurting underneath."
"But you loved Mom more, right?" Billy asked.
"Not more. Differently. I never will love anyone the same way I loved Jennifer. I still carry it around with me. I probably always will."
Billy had a lost look on his face. Tom saw it and was filled with regret.
"I shouldn't have told you this," Tom said, standing up.
"No, Dad. I'm glad you did."
They were interrupted by a knock on the door. Sarah was standing there in her bathrobe. Tom looked over at her, feeling guilty. She yawned, rubbed the sleep out of her sweet brown eyes, then walked into the room.
"What are you boys talking about?" she asked, putting her arm around her husband's shoulder. A look of affection transformed Tom's face. Billy brightened.
"We were talking about first love," Tom answered, putting his arm around Sarah and holding her close. Sarah smiled at Tom, and then studied Billy.
"You're not seeing Rebecca anymore, are you?" she asked.
"No," Billy answered, his voice full of regret.
"And your father was telling you about his first big heartbreak. What was her name? Jennifer, or something, wasn't that it?"
Tom and Billy stared at her, eyes wide open.
"I saw your guilty look," she said, letting go of Tom. "Men are such children when it comes to love." She went over to Billy and hugged him. "You're a wonderful young man," she said. "Some other girl is going to be very happy Rebecca let you go. It's her loss."
Tom watched the pain melt from Billy's face. Sarah held him a long time, and then stood up.
"Now, let's get to sleep," she said, holding her hand out to her husband.
"Honey, I'll be right in," he said. "I just want to finish my talk with Billy."
"Okay," she said, leaving the room, muttering something sarcastic about male bonding.
When Sarah left, Tom started to say something, and then stopped. He started again, and then stopped again. Finally, he bent down and hugged his son. At first he felt awkward, and then it felt natural. When the time was right, he let go.
"Good night, son." Tom smiled at Billy.
"Good night, Dad." Billy smiled back, and then yawned.
Tom walked to the door. Before he turned off the light, he turned around.
"Billy, the older I get, the more I believe I'm the silly romantic, and your mother is more realistic about love. I don't know if that helps, but I think it's true."