Reviewed by Robert

This is my first review of a horror story so forgive any misunderstandings.

From the very beginning the story grated against me. The opening doesn't grab me at all, its not until the third paragraph that interest starts. The most disconcerting part is the shifts in Point of view. This could be easily fixed by the author by focusing on a single POV and going with it. At least twice POV changed in the middle of a sentence. Major problems exist in this fascinating story. The narrative style weakens the action and tension. All tell and no show.

Janice's reactions as a child are the same as when she is an adult, this doesn't work. make her reactions that on older woman then you would create believability.

This is a good story, it is scary but...but... it doesn't come together well. The final scenes lose impact and are confusing, the constant shifts in POV and author intrusion (things mentioned that only the author would know) are distracting. Give this story a careful re-write. Start it from when Janice sees the thing the first time and fill in minor details with back story. The opening is far too long and added very little to the overall story. Stick with Janice's POV, even in the last scene, it would sound more frightening that way. Use the action (fear, doubt, tension etc) to advance the story.

Once you have done this post it to one of the many top paying horror of Speculative fiction markets then write another story. Great idea, great images, now lets work on the story execution.