Miranda’s Escape
here are my keys?" Jordan screamed, "Get the hell out of bed and help me
find them!"
As Miranda shuffled out of bed and tried to find the keys that he had last night, he started throwing books and papers off of the desk, dresser and table.
"C’mon Jordan, I didn’t have them, where’d you leave them?"
"I don’t know!"
She tried to clean up the mess he was making, she had just cleaned the house, it looked so nice, and now….
She cringed as he threw the basket of newly folded clothes to the floor in a wrinkled heap.
"Dammit! I’m late for work, where are they?"
Miranda, fed up with this daily ritual, walked back into the bedroom, it was senseless to try to talk to him when he was like this, even more senseless to get in his way. Let him destroy the house, what else was new?
"What’s wrong with you?" He said venomously as he followed her back.
"I’m tired, I didn’t lose your keys, and now, thanks to you, the house is a mess." She said.
"Well, I’m sorry!" He mimicked as he threw all of the knickknacks off of her dresser, she jumped as she heard her favorite cat figurine break into little pieces, "Found them! Gimme a kiss, bye!" She turned her head away from him as he tried to kiss her, she would have preferred to kiss a rattlesnake. As he ran out the door, slamming it loud enough to wake the kids, she hid her head in the pillows and tried not to cry.
Miranda paced as she waited for Jordan to get home, she had to be at work in less than a half hour and he promised to watch the kids. She tried to ignore the fact that their daughter, Leann, hated it when he watched them and that their son, Derek, had a dirty diaper every time she came home and had a bad case of diaper rash from the last one.
"Momma, you got ta’ go ta’ work?" Five year old Leann asked.
"Yes, honey," Miranda tried not to look into those trusting green eyes that seemed to be begging her to stay home.
"Why? I don’t like it when ya’ go ta’ work."
"We need the money, now go play," Miranda was getting upset, better to send her away than to try to explain why her mother had to get out of this house and away from Jordan.
Leann ran to the back yard swingset and began to climb on the bars.
Derek was in his room screaming, as usual. He had colic and nothing would comfort him. Miranda finally just decided to let him cry, she could no longer handle the screaming. Jordan would have nothing to do with him and she was left alone day in, day out, to handle it.
Finally Jordan pulled into the driveway. She had twenty minutes to make the thirty minute drive to work.
She grabbed her purse and as she walked to the car, she tried to tell Jordan that dinner was almost done and that Derek would need to eat soon. He just shrugged her off and as she left, she saw her little girls trusting green eyes as she waved goodbye and Miranda felt like a heel.
"Does this room look clean to you?" Jordan screamed at Leann, "Look at the floor!" He said as he pushed her down, "Get it picked up!"
Leann, terrified, tried to clean the best she could. She tried to be fast but there was so much stuff, her mom always helped her to remember where it went, but her dad…
"Dammit! You’re not done yet? Fine," He grabbed her neck and pushed her roughly to the ground, her eye hit the corner of her desk as he threw everything she had picked up back on the floor. Leann began to cry as he left her room, she wished her mom was home, and now Derek was crying and she could hear her dad screaming at him before he slammed the door to his room. She wished she could change Derek’s diaper, but she couldn’t even reach the crib. She rubbed the eye that hit the corner of the desk as she tried once again to pick up the mess.
Miranda woke Leann up to go to the bathroom at eleven PM when she got home and her heart broke when she saw the mark on Leann’s eye.
"What happened?" She asked as she touched the swollen black and blue mark. Leann just looked down, avoiding the answer.
"Honey? You won’t get in trouble, tell me what happened."
And with those adoring, trusting, green eyes, Leann told her mom that she had been pushed to the floor as her eye hit the desk.
"Daddy was mad," She said.
Miranda could feel her blood boiling as her little girl tried to make up excuses so her dad wouldn’t get in trouble.
Miranda sat down on her knees in front of Leann, "Honey….no matter what…he didn’t have any reason to push you onto the floor and it wasn’t your fault. Daddy was wrong, and I want you to promise me that if he ever does anything like that again, you’ll tell me, OK?"
"K," Leann said smiling, she felt better now, mommy was home, "G’nite mommy, I love you."
Miranda tried to control the anger that made her want to take a club and hit him, that son of a bitch…some man, picking on a little girl. In Derek’s room, she could see that Derek hadn’t been changed at all…he began to cry as she tried to clean off the blistering diaper rash. She went to the kitchen, once he had a dry diaper on, and grabbed a bottle of formula and held him tightly as he drank greedily from the bottle.
She rocked him, sorry for him that his own father wouldn’t pay attention and sorry for Leann that her dad’s temper had erupted. More than anything else, she was sorry she had children and not gone to college. She had no way to get them out of this, to support them and live in a house, to give them what they needed. Single mothers making minimum wage lived in tenement houses and their children became latch key kids and raised themselves, or gang members and got themselves killed.
"Jordan, wake up!" Miranda said angrily.
"What?" He said.
"Get up, I need to talk to you."
"It’s after midnight, can’t it wait?"
"NO! Now get up!"
"Fine, what is it?" He said as he rubbed his eyes.
"Did you push Leann down onto the floor tonight?"
"She wouldn’t get her room cleaned up," He said smugly.
"She has a bruise on her eye from the desk, I can’t send her to school tomorrow because of you, and she is terrified of you…I hope you’re happy."
"What bruise?"
"When you pushed her, her eye hit the desk…she’s just a little girl, not a ragdoll. You can’t throw her around. If you ever touch her again, you’ll be very sorry." She said venomously.
Miranda was shaking from the anger that wanted to rush out.
Jordan looked down as she lectured him, "Sorry," He said.
"Oh and thank you for changing Derek, his rash is three times worse now," She added.
Jordan rolled back over in the bed and immediately went back to sleep, Miranda tried to understand how he could sleep after what he had done, how could he?
As the children both slept, Miranda reminisced. She had not always been this unhappy with her marriage, Jordan was a sweet loving attentive man when she met him, he treated her better than anybody ever had. They had lived together before they married, against his mother’s wishes. But they had enjoyed it and gotten to know each other well. They had moved overseas soon after they married, he was in the navy and they were stationed in Japan. Every now and then, Miranda would see evidence of his terrible temper, but it wasn’t enough to be concerned about. They had Leann four years after their marriage. She was a beautiful little bundle of joy and Miranda had never seen Jordan happier. He reveled in the joy that comes with having a new baby and he did as much as he could to help with her.
Within a few months, however, Jordan began working a second job and became distant towards Miranda. Suddenly, it became her job to take care of getting child care for Miranda while she worked and of total care for her while she was home. At one point, Miranda, sick with a stomach flu, asked Jordan to take care of Leann while he typed a paper on the computer and he refused, saying he was busy. So Miranda, in between trips to the bathroom, tried to feed her and give her attention while Jordan typed downstairs in peace. That was the beginning of the change in him, and though Miranda tried to talk to him about it, he continued to get worse.
After their overseas time, Jordan was transferred to a ship and went on a long cruise around the world. Miranda was left to take care of Leann, as well as the household, completely alone. She religiously wrote Jordan every night, as he did her. They talked of how they missed each other and would be so happy to be together again, and Miranda thought things would be better once he was home.
However, seven months later, when he arrived home, he seemed to want nothing to do with her…in or out of bed. He had written lust filled love letters and said he longed to be with her but now, in front of her, he ignored the attention she so craved to give and receive.
Months went by and, within a year, they seemed to finally get to know each other again. They planned their second child and soon Miranda was pregnant. Times seemed to be happier, but not for long. Jordan, once an attentive, happy expectant father, seemed to resent this pregnancy. His temper once again began to flare at even small things and when the baby was finally born, he refused to take leave and help with Leann, who already felt left out of her parents lives. She had to stay with a baby sitter while her little brother was born, and for a week after. Jordan rarely visited Miranda in the hospital and when she was finally released after a bad infection from the cesarean section she had, he insisted she go camping with him and a bunch of friends so they could show off the baby. Try as she might, he would not let her stay home, so while Jordan socialized and enjoyed the trip, Miranda laid in pain trying to stop her newborn baby from crying.
It escalated from that, he was such a wonderful father when Leann was born, Miranda couldn’t understand this change. He was so hateful and self absorbed now, and though they had planned this child, Leann actually regretted it. At one point she broke out in tears as Jordan refused to hold Derek and said she had made a terrible mistake, she never would have had a second child if she’d have known it would be this way. Jordan just looked at her and said nothing. And now it had gotten even worse, Derek was almost eight months old now and Jordan hardly looked at him, it broke Miranda’s heart to see their son be neglected by his father. Then his temper with Leann, .how much longer could she allow it to go on?
"That damn dog chewed up my helmet! Goddamn it dog!" Jordan said as he kicked the puppy in the ribs, Miranda ran inside the house and grabbed a suitcase. Now he was abusing animals, she wouldn’t take it anymore.
She threw clothes into the suitcase quickly and then walked to the kids rooms and grabbed what she could. Jordan came rushing in after her, "What are you doing?" He growled.
"Leaving, I’m outta here," She said as she zipped up one case.
"Why?"
He actually had the Gaul to ask why, he pushed his kids around, screamed constantly at his wife and beat their dog…but yet he still asked why.
"You’re not the person I married, I can’t handle this constant anger anymore," She said, and as she walked out of the hallway, Jordan grabbed her arms, she could feel his fingers digging deeply into her skin.
"Let go!" She cried, and as his hands released their grip, she could feel the welts rising up, she ran into their bedroom and cried.
As time went on, Miranda had found a friend within a family she had grown up with. He was divorced with one child and lived in Minnesota. His mother and Miranda had always been close, as well as his 2 brothers.
Miranda would call him almost every night just to have someone to talk to. As things got worse, she was invited to their house in Minnesota, and though she couldn’t drive that far with Derek, she could take Leann and get away for a while, she had a good friend who agreed to watch Derek while she was gone. The day before she was to leave, Jordan begged her not to go, "Why do you have to go?" He said.
"Because, I need to get away."
"Why so far then? Can’t you just stay here in Virginia or nearby?"
"Look…I can’t stand this constant struggle…I’m going there to see if I like it and if I do I may move up there."
Jordan was surprised by her statement, "You mean you’re just throwing the towel in?"
"I don’t know Jordan…all I know is, when we married your temper wasn’t this bad, and you seemed to have feelings and care, but now…you don’t, you aren’t the same person I married."
Jordan tried everything he could to get her to stay, he was exceedingly sweet the whole night…but she knew why and still left the next day.
The trip to Minnesota was a nice adventure for Miranda and Leann. Leann was a wonderful traveler and didn’t mind being in the car for long periods of time. They stayed for three weeks and, in that time, Jordan had written and called several times…he told her he was sorry, he didn’t realize how hard it was for her, and that he appreciated her more now than ever. When Miranda and Leann returned home, he treated them and Derek like gold for a few weeks, but once again it was short lived. But soon they were to move to Florida, things would be better, a bigger house in a nicer area and a chance to start over…too bad Jordan didn’t look at it that way.
Miranda, not willing to leave, stayed in the anger. She tried to talk to Jordan about it, several times she wrote letters to him saying maybe it was time to quit trying. After reading them he would straighten out for a few days then revert back to that angry monster. By this time Derek was three years old and a year after they moved to Florida he was diagnosed with Diabetes. He was just a little tike and would have to take shots twice a day, his diet would have to be watched diligently, and he would require special medical care.
This tragedy united Miranda and Jordan for a short time, they both felt terribly guilty and sad to see their little boy hurting and together they tried to ease the hurt.
The next couple of years would prove to be trying to say the least. Jordan’s temper soon started erupting again and it was getting worse. Miranda actually dreaded weekends because he was so incredibly hateful to her and the kids…even when they would go out somewhere, he would get mad at the drop of a hat.
Finally having all she could take, she made plans to leave. On one of his rantings, Jordan was furious because she was sick and after giving the kids breakfast, she went back to bed. He got so mad he left and wouldn’t talk to her the rest of the day. This was the last straw for her, she couldn’t do it anymore. He had to work that night and after he had an outburst and expected a kiss and hug and an I love you, she told him she couldn’t do it. Once again furious, he left. Miranda cried most of the night, all she could feel was pain in her heart. When he returned the next morning, he was nice again…but she knew by now that any amount of nice never lasted him very long.
Then came a change, that night she had looked him in the eye and told him she didn’t love him…he was crushed. He cried and begged her to help him, he didn’t want to lose her. Depression had long been a problem within his family and Miranda suggested he see a doctor. That night, as he lay his head on her lap crying, he confided that terrifying thoughts had often come into his head, thoughts of suicide and abandonment. She tried to be sympathetic, but deep inside she was thinking he deserved this mental hell. It took three weeks of going from doctor to psychologist to psychiatrist to finally get some form of help. Before the end of that three weeks, in a state of deep despair, Jordan upon awaking from a nightmare lay upon Miranda and raped her. Though it was the last thing she wanted, she was terrified by the look on his face and afraid that if she stopped him he would try to hurt himself, so she lay there and when he finally left to go to work, she allowed herself to feel the hurt.
Jordan was sickened after forcing himself on his wife. He was so distraught that he didn’t want to come home. Their relationship was in danger as it was, but now he knew there would be no hope. If only he could have listened all the times she had tried to talk to him, if only she still loved him. Jordan cried as he thought of saying goodbye to it all for good, then he thought of all the pain he had already caused and refused to cause anymore.
A psychiatrist finally began to treat Jordan with anti-depressants and anxiety medications, within two weeks he was feeling better. His attitude was noticeably different, he was no longer angry. Miranda tried to enjoy this positive change, but try as she might, she couldn’t feel love for him. She pushed her feelings of hatred back so she could make love to him only to have them come flooding back three times as bad. She could now talk to him and tried to express her feelings, but though he understood, she wondered how long she could handle this. Making love sickened her, and though he seemed better, she was still terrified of him.
He begged her to forgive the things he had done. He was now attentive and sweet, but Miranda couldn’t help but wonder how long it would last this time. Every time they made love, the memory of Jordan on top of her forcing himself into her would come flooding back, she would become nauseated and try to pretend to enjoy intimacy but never succeeded. She cried endlessly, and could feel the pain tearing her apart inside. After so many years of pain, it was a struggle for her to even think of being with him the rest of her life.
As Jordan’s hands roamed her body and he tried to pay attention to her softness she, once again, broke into tears. She sobbed heavily as he tried to calm her, apologizing profusely. She pretended to fall asleep and waited for his sleep to come and, when it finally did, she left their warm bed and got into the red mini van. She drove to the fishing pier that sat on the ocean and she parked the van. She got out and walked to the end, watching the surf crash against the sand in the darkness. Her senses were overwhelmed by the smell of the seabreezes mixed with fish that were being caught and pulled off of hooks. The few people that were fishing, stood at the other end of the pier so she was all alone here to enjoy the darkness.
She sat upon a bench and watched the water rolling wildly underneath the pier. Anyone underneath would surely get crushed by the force of the waves against the pylons. In the dark distance, she could just barely see a school of dolphins swimming playfully. She thought it would be nice to swim with them. She watched as a boy and his father pulled up a big fish on the other end of the pier…too bad, she thought, her son couldn’t enjoy such time with his father.
Miranda swayed back and forth trying to control the pain and rage inside herself. She was so angry, hurt, confused from Jordan, she felt she may burst into flames at any second. For so many years he had hurt her and now he was better, so of course he expected her to forgive him but she couldn’t. She stopped loving him a long time ago, and whether it wouldn’t come back or she refused to let it, she knew she would never love him again. It was too late, far too late, by the time he was finally diagnosed with depression, she hated him.
His seething smart remarks, his screaming, his senseless temper tantrums, and his expectations for her to just forget what he had done and continue to love him.
And now, she wanted to leave but she couldn’t, she couldn’t make a living and their kids would suffer, they had only one vehicle and nowhere to go, she hated him for that too. She didn’t want to play this game any longer, she wanted out, but at the very same time, she couldn’t bare to hurt him. No matter what he had done, he was being wonderful now and he had begged her not to leave, " Just give me one day at a time," he’d pleaded.
Yet his one day at a time turned into a device of torture for her, and the longer she stayed, the worse she felt. For no reason, other than her stored up anger, the longer she stayed the madder she got. Nightly, in her dreams, she remembered the conflicts, the madness, and daily she fought to keep from erupting like some overdue volcano.
And now, overlooking this beautiful beach with the foamy water crashing against the sand, she knew what she had to do. The children and Jordan were asleep, they would be much better off without her…for the anger that consumed her , disabled them also.
Jordan was better now, but Miranda was the one putting the stress on everyone. Jordan could take care of the kids, he would have to if she couldn’t. He’d have to deal with all of it if she couldn’t.
She hadn’t been noticed standing on this pier alone, her whole life she had been alone, nobody ever noticed.
And as she climbed over the edge of the rails, she could feel the excitement that comes from something so grotesque it’s unimaginable.
She jumped into the dampness, feeling the stinging of salt in her eyes. The wind sailed through her hair as she readied to hit the foamy water. The wetness surrounded her and she could feel herself being thrown about by the waves. She was under the water trying not to fight the lack of oxygen inside her lungs. She felt a jolt as she was tossed into one pylon and then another. The sudden shock forced her to try to breathe and she began to struggle. She felt a burning sting as a jellyfish attached itself to her leg, then a crashing blow into her head. She struggled to breathe as her body was sinking into the deep depths of the ocean.
Everything looked vile and green. Inside her head she could see memories of the past, at first anger and frustration, then the joy that her children had brought her. The vile green turned to the soft green of her daughters eyes as she realized how much Leann needed and loved her. She was nine years old now and every minute had been a joy with her. Then she thought of Derek, Mr. Personality….so bright and happy it amazed her. She could feel her lungs expanding with the force of the water as the consciousness tried to drain from her.
She began to struggle as she realized she couldn’t leave them with this burden, the anger was not caused by her children, how could she do this to them?
She tried to swim to the top of the deep, dark water fighting the strong waves that were holding her down. She fought to inhale oxygen but instead got only salt water. If only she could get to the top, if only she could just breathe. She stroked wildly in the cold water, trying desperately to swim but not being able to because of the lack of oxygen in her brain. One arm would not move, it hung helplessly at her side as she felt herself touching the sandy sea floor. She fought with the other arm trying to get out of the green, murky drink but soon it all became dark as her lungs, filled to capacity with sea water, collapsed. Miranda laid on the sea floor until the tide washed out and caused her body to float to the top.
She had finally escaped, and her spirit watched as Jordan identified her bloated blue body, finally satisfied that now he knew how much he had hurt her.
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