Ronald the Repairman
hey call me Frank. I don't really know why, considering my name's Ronald. I also don't
really know who "they" are, but you know how it goes. Just cuz you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they
aren't out to get you.
Ordinarily, I like my job. But some days, it just doesn't pay to get out of your hand-made, mahogany bed. For instance, the day old Mrs. Periwinkle called me complaining about a leak in her roof. I figured it would be a pretty routine job. I'd just slap some epoxy on that leak and give that ol' goat a bill she'd never forget. Oh yeah. It was gonna be a good day.
When I got there, crazy ol' Mrs. Periwinkle was in tears. "Oh, Ronald!" she screamed, throwing herself at me. "You've got to fix my roof!"
"If I promise to fix your roof," I asked, "Do you promise to start soaking your dentures regularly?"
"I do! I do!" she shouted, jumping up and down.
"Better get some serious abrasive."
After I had climbed up on the roof, I found the leak pretty easily. It seemed her flashing had corroded leaving a big hole in the roof.
No sweat, I thought. Suddenly, Mrs. Periwinkle's TV antenna started bending and creaking and crashed down on me! The two of us rolled off the roof and bonded with the pavement. Mrs. Periwinkle must have heard because she came dashing out of her house. She stood there next to where I was playing the part of the asphalt and stared at me.
"Double my fee," I groaned.
The next day, I climbed back onto the roof. Old Mrs. Periwinkle wanted another TV antenna. Plus, I hadn't fixed her roof. I took some bushing and shrunk up the hole. Then I stuffed a gasket in there and closed that leak up real nice.
Now it was time to fix the TV antenna. I started by turning off her circuit breaker so I could mess around with electricity without becoming handyman flambee. Unfortunately, I must have tripped the burglar alarm because a siren sounded and giant boulders started falling out of the ceiling. One of them landed on my soft, squishy head and knocked me out. Look at all the pretty birdies!
I lay there with that boulder on my face until Mrs. Periwinkle woke me up screaming, "You idiot repairman! You set off the burglar alarm!" Then she started kicking me.
"Triple my fee, Mrs. Periwinkle," I murmured.
The next day, I put Mrs. Periwinkle's burglar alarm back together. Then I climbed back on the roof with my auger and a new antenna. I disassembled what was left of the old antenna and filled in the hole. Then I dug another hole in the roof and jammed the new antenna in like a mortise. Bad move.
The jamming and twisting caused the roof to crack. Then the cracks widened and, before I could get off, the roof shattered. The force pulled the walls in and they collapsed in on Mrs Periwinkle's upper floor. Naturally, the floor couldn't take the weight of the roof and the walls, so it crashed down too. I myself landed in Mrs. Periwinkle's living room, right on top of her TV, shattering the thing into a million pieces. Mrs. Periwinkle had been watching it (although I don't know how, considering I hadn't gotten the antenna working) and was sitting on her couch staring at me.
Finally, Mrs. Periwinkle managed to sputter out, "I was watching The Young and the Restless! Yaaaaah!" She got up and started chasing out what was left of her house (which wasn't very much) and down the street.
I turned around and called back, "So I guess this means I'm not getting a tip?" Guess so.
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