Find a Stranger, Say Goodbye

aybe it was sub-conscious. I guess if I really hadn't wanted her to find me, she wouldn't have. But she did. And here I am still sitting by the phone, staring out the bloody window. Why can't I move? They never told me about this the day they took her. Jesus. Steve'll be home soon. I'll have to tell him. I wonder what he'll say? We should have told the kids. Should've told them from the start. What's Emma going to think? And David? I should have told them.

She asked if there were others. I'm more honest with her than with my own kids. I mean, Steve's kids. Steve's and my kids. It was weird hearing her say it. 'Have I got any brothers and sisters?' I thought my kids were just mine. They're connected to a stranger. Am I wrong for thinking she's just a stranger?

She sounded well spoken. They told me she was going to a good home. Amanda. I called her Rosemary. Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. God, I was younger than David is now.

I wonder if I was too short with her. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings. We just don't know each other. What am I meant to say to a stranger?

I shouldn't have to remember all of this. Past is past and there was nothing wrong with me telling her that. What did she expect? Oprah bloody Winfrey? Happy bloody families? Shit. It's not my fault if I hurt her feelings. What am I meant to say to someone like that? Does she want me to feel guilty? I didn't ask her to ring me. I shouldn't have even picked up the phone. I was running late to start with and now I can't even get up off the chair to go to Andrea's.

Maybe I should call Andrea. She's told me all her secrets and I've told her none of mine. I wish I didn't have any secrets.

She asked about her father too. Of course she asked about her father. I shouldn't be so damn surprised. God...her father. I wonder if she'll look for him. I wonder if she'll be disappointed. Like I was.

Jesus, it was just sex in those days. I was only nineteen. And then pregnant. How could I have a baby at nineteen? I couldn't. I couldn't. Why should I answer to it now?

What am I going to tell the kids? I can't tell them. By the way, all this time I've told you to tell me anything that's bothering you I forgot to mention that I had a baby all these years ago and, well, I forgot to tell you. No big deal. Kids...guess what? You've got a half-sister. Pass the potatoes and I gave up my child for adoption. Years ago. Before you were born. A lifetime ago. A lifetime ago.

What am I doing? I've got to apologise to Andrea? I've got to ring Steve. tell him. At least he's always known. He was with me from the start. He even saw her. They wouldn't let me. 'It wouldn't be wise, dear', they said. I wonder if she looked like me or him. Her father. Steve never told me. I never really wanted him to, I guess. I wonder...It's not his fault either. It's not right for a man to take another man's child. He couldn't have just married me and pretended she was his. Could he? I wonder if she's got my nose? Maybe she gets up every morning and hates the way she looks. Maybe she hates her curly hair. Maybe she's got his hair. It used to go blonde in the summer. His hair. It was that dirty brown. I don't know why I liked him. But then it went all streaky blonde in the summer. Sun-kissed, mum used to call it. freckles, streaks...sun-kissed. And that summer...Steve and I never mention it. It was just before I met him. I used to think I met Steve just one season too late. By the end of summer it was already done. What could I have done? Only what I did. The adoption. Doesn't she know how much it hurt. Inside. Outside. The pain of the bloody birth. All that morning sickness...God, I was so sick with her, and that pain when I pushed her out of me. I had to keep pushing and pushing. Like she didn't want to leave. She just wouldn't get out, and I was screaming so loudly. She tore me too. Tore me all the way down. Split me. The other kids didn't do that. It didn't hurt as much with them. They just sort of slid out. Easy. I'll never forget.

I've got to get out of this chair. Got to call Andrea...or Steve. Maybe I should go out, just by myself. Not be here when they all come home. Go to sleep after they're asleep. Hide. Steve'll know. He won't know what...but he'll know. Something's wrong. It'll be easy to tell him. At least he already knows it actually happened. I read somewhere that men feel threatened in this situation. My kid...his kids. Just threatened somehow. I wonder if he will. I don't want him to remeber all that. God, I used to cry afterwards. Just cry and cry. Even when David was born. Just look at him and cry. Touch myself and cry. Where I hadn't split. Where the new baby hadn't torn me. Steve never knew what to do. Neither did I.

And Emma. God, Emma. I had to wait for her. I used to think it was a punishment. No...you can't have a daughter. You gave your last one away. to some strangers. People you'd never met. 'A nice couple, they've got one boy but they can't have another one. They've been trying for three years. They'll love the little girl.' The little girl. The. My little girl. I had to wait for Emma. Punishment. Steve thought I was going crazy. Punishment. Maybe I was. I can't tell him.

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