The Cat
he cat sat on the mat. More like the cat keeled over and passed in his
marbles on the mat! Hah!
Hey wasn�t it amazing how it staggered all over the place, and the way it�s head swelled up like that! I heard about that happening, but I never seen it before. And to think you can give aspirin to children! Wonder what would�ve happened if I�d given it one of those Valium things you take.
Aw stop yer whinin�!. It was only a dumb mangey pile of fur and bones. Loved it? You? Yeah right.
Whaddya mean by that? Yeah I like animals. I had a lizard once, an� you know what? Hah! Their tails grow back!
Affectionate? Not that cat. Not to me it wasn�t. The damn thing�d dig it�s freakin� claws in me any chance it got. And the whole house stinks of cat�s piss. I heard somewhere you�ll never get rid of that.
Yeah, well that�d be right...YOU wouldn�t notice if it pissed right on your shoe. Not the way YOU clean up anyway.
Well...it�s true. The house looks like some sort of garbage dump most of the time. I never got any clean shirts, and half the time I wear my freakin� undies for a whole week. Should I go on? Alright then I bloody will. The toilet�s filthy...when was the last time you cleaned it anyway?
Huh? Whaddya mean you�ve been the one all our married life. Truth is, I reckon after the first week of our wonderful marriage, somebody told you to take the rest of your life off. Hang up the old Out to Lunch sign. Permanently. Married! Geez, what a big joke that was!
Well then, whose freakin� fault is it? Not mine, that�s for sure.
BULL! I�ve always enjoyed a beer with me mates, and you knew that bloody all along. An� there�s nothin� wrong with it either. What? Oh don�t gimme that. You go out with yer girlie friends when YOU feel like it. How should I know when the last time was....I don�t keep track! And I have to put up with those parties you have all the time. Yeah you do. That plastic tuppercrap that just keeps falling out of your oh-so-tidy kitchen cupboards. An� what about all those expensive jars of greasy goop you pile on yer face. I hate to tell you, but whatever that stuff�s meant to do...it�s not working. Hah!
And them LAWNSHERAY parties. What a bloody joke. If you think a bunch of heifers parading around in red lace crotchless underpants with their bits hangin� out is a turn-on, then keep dreamin�. Christ I�ve seen road-kill that turns me on more. Hah!
Yeah, as a matter of fact I DO think I�m funny. I gotta have something to laugh at don�t I?
Yeah, well...so can you when you wanna be. You bloody have so. What about the time you got tanked at Cammo�s fortieth. You shoulda seen yourself. Everybody else did. Hangin� off all me mates like some freakin� tart. And I saw you pour yourself a heart starter the other morning. I know damn well it wasn�t cordial either!
What? You�ve gotta be joking. Don�t flatter yourself. Oh and you think that making jokes about my manhood went down well with everyone? Fair dinkum, I coulda belted your face in. Right then and there. Lucky for you I had the self control...
No way. I�ve never made scenes in public. I�m bigger than that. Yeah? When? Well that doesn�t count. And anyway, YOU started it. I did NOT...I�ve never even met your old man! Or any of yer bloody family for that matter. Christ, if they�re anything like you, I never WANT to.
Oh, is that a fact! Well, maybe you�d better just think about what I�ve done for YOU. An� if you wanna start drawing lists, then lets start with the whole reason you�re here in the first place. Yeah, that�s right turn your back on me. You�ve got a lot to thank me for. If it wasn�t for me, you�d still be strung out, half dead in an alley somewhere. An� you would�ve had that kid in a garbage bin. Either way...it never had a chance did it...you were so wrecked on goofballs and crank, how could you expect it to be born normal?
Fine then. Why DON�T you! You couldn�t work if you had batteries. Anyway. Who�d hire ya? I don�t know of any places off-hand that need someone whose only skill is swallowin� handfuls of pills.
Yeah I know it was a long time ago. But just for once, why don�t you wake up to yourself and realise that if I hadn�t come along, you�d more than likely be dead.
Yeah, well sometimes I wish the same thing.
Okay then TELL me. I�d be really interested to know what�s wrong with me...seeing as you�re the expert on perfection. Right. Uh huh. Okay....yeah I�ll wear that. Screwing around? Me? Oh, now that hurts. Geez I could almost puke at THAT one. Correct me if I�m wrong, but in order to be screwing anything, I�m supposed to have a wife�s best friend in good working order. And you�ve already shattered that myth...remember? But you, on the other hand...well that�s another story. I reckon you�ve been pitchin� it about a fair bit.
It doesn�t matter, I know what I know.
I don�t need to prove anything, and I wouldn�t waste my energy. Not for that. Unless of course I actually caught you in the act. Then. Well, I can only imagine how good it would feel to beat the bejesus ...
Why don�t you just shut yer mouth! I told you never ever to bring that up again. It was an accident. Look, I paid my dues for that. Oh...you don�t think two years is long enough? Two years trapped in a cage with freakin� animals trying to play hide the sausage in every hole in yer body...every chance they get. You�ve never been inside - so you wouldn�t know. But then...maybe you would. Hah!
I said shut up about it! Look, it�s not my fault the kid didn�t have lights on his bike. He didn�t even have reflectors, and he was on the main road. I WASN�T tanked. I only had five schooners.
Yeah, well I have to live with it for the rest of me life. Well that�s right. But what makes your baggage so much heavier than mine.
Look...get outta the kitchen if ya can�t stand the heat. Not that yer in the kitchen much anyway. I reckon you wouldn�t know a Fillet Mignon from a crap sandwich.
Hah! The only kitchen appliance I�ve ever seen you use is a bloody can opener.
Oh. Oh wow, I�m really reeeeelly scared. She�s holding a blunt bread- and- butter knife. I wonder what she�s going to do with that? Maybe she thinks she�s going to chop my head off. All I can say is...if you wanna bring that thing anywhere near me, you�d better get the aim right the first time...know what I mean?
I thought as much. Another fine example of my wife�s agressive personality. Why don�t you try threatening me with a banana next time. Yeah right. You wouldn�t have the guts.
Yeah, I know. And you�re wonderful too. Speaking of which. Get me a beer.
That�s better. Who needs a dog? I got you, precious.
What�s for tea...or need I ask. What? I don�t believe it...you�re actually going to cook something? You know, I�m really glad we�ve had this little pep talk. Looks like you�ve realised that you need a major attitude transplant. That�s good. Well I�m meetin� the boys down the pub later, so you�d better get a move on with it. Get us the remote would ya?
....Jeez, the news is all bad again. Two junkies held up a service station and knifed the owner. Freakin� scaggies. Somebody should shoot �em all. ...What did you say? I can�t hear you. No. No drunk drivers running down kids on bikes...but thanks for asking. Bitch!
Hurry up with me tea before I...geez! Mike Tyson sure did a job on that guy�s ear. What a mean son-of-a-bitch. I�ll bet he knocks his missus around. Looks the type.
Hey...I hate to say this, but that smells really good. What? I get vegetables too? Things are looking up. Gettus the salt would ya? This is okay. In fact it�s bloody fantastic. Are you sure YOU cooked it? What sort of meat is it? Oh yeah? Since when have YOU been visiting gormay butcheries? Whaddya mean it�s a pet favourite of yours! You�ve never cooked me this before. Or anything else much, for that matter. Hah! And where�s yours? Hang on...where are you going...what the hell are you doing with that suitcase.....
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