The Mike Leinoff Show

ello. I'm Mike Leinoff. Today on Mike, we're going to be talking with some of today's most prominent authors. However, most of the show will consist of me asking obnoxious and/or personal questions in blatant attempts at starting fights on stage. Joining us now is Steven Thing, the best-selling author of This, The Sit, and The Shinning, as well as many other books, some of which don't start with "T-H." How are you doing, Mr. Thing?

"Just fine, Geraldo."

How dare you, Mr. Thing! My show is ten, no, a hundred times sleazier than Geraldo!

"Sorry, Mike. But seriously, and semi-consciously, I'm doing fine."

Mr. Thing, what first made you decide to write books full of atrocious gore and disgusting scenes involving people's bodies and farm equipment?

"Well, Mike, I'd have to say it was my mother."

You must think awfully highly of her to dedicate your writing to her.

"Who's talking about dedicating? These are things I want to do to my mother!"

Ladies and gentlemen, it's starting to get juicy now! Just think of what might happen behind the scenes while we cut to a commercial to avoid getting taken off the air by the network. Hey Mr. Thing, are you Jewish?

Did your husband dump you because he was more in love with his brother than with you? How about his cousin? Call us at 1-800-TRASHIE. We'll talk.

Welcome back to Mike Leinoff. A guest has just joined us during the commercial. Please welcome Mr. Slobbert Bore-me-er. Hello, Mr. Bore-me-er.

"Yeah, #%*$ing hello to you too."

Mr. Bore-me-er, some people object to the constant barrage of expletives you put in your books. What do you say to that?

"Those people can come *%)#@_+-|\<. I write what I wanna ;{%ing write. I feel that the concept of not using swear words is for *&$#ing mama's boys, ya hear me?"

My, my. We could all benefit from your extensive vocabulary, Mr. Bore-me-er. Mr. Thing, what do you say about the use of expletives?

"Well, you gotta use �em, I guess. Everybody uses the colloquial when they talk, and that sometimes involves cursing."

"Ah, shut up, Thing. Nobody real &%^(ing talks like that."

"You want a piece of me, Bore-me-er?"

And it's time to take our second commercial break. We'll be right back.

Are you bi-racial and trying to sue your parents for mental anguish that you suffered throughout your life? Call us at 1-800-TRASHIE. We'll work on your story.

Welcome back, viewers at home. Another author has joined us, and will be taking Slobbert Bore-me-er's seat. Mr. Bore-me-er, unfortunately, had to be taken away in a straight jacket. He was last heard screaming, "You'll pay, Steven Thing! You'll all pay! Mwahahahahaaaa!" In Mr. Bore- me-er's place is one Slurp Bonnet-gut. Mr. Bonnet-gut, do you use a lot of allegory in your books?

"No. The grass is on top of the flower. Sunrise, at dusk. All means nothing. Nothing means everything. At noon, we die."

Could you give us a clear exposition of what you just said, Mr. Bonnet-gut?

"I'll tell you what he said, Mike. He said, �I want all the sane people in the world to pound the living daylights out of me.'"

Is that right, Mr. Bonnet-gut? Do you really want to be pounded?

"I would feel no pain. I do not exist. All must end, before it begins."

"Bonnet-gut, you are one crazy guy. What is your problem anyway? How can nothing mean everything, and all mean nothing? Have you had too much to drink?"

"Polemic suits you, Mr. Thing. Yet it does not. I always lie, and I always tell the truth. Nothing makes sense, yet it all becomes clear. But I digress. . ."

"I'd like to "E"gress. His metaphors are starting to get to me."

Me too, Mr. Thing. And worse yet, the people watching us on TV are losing interest fast!

". . .I digress. My point is, that God is merely man, yet all men are God. The stars shine light down during the daytime, and light up the sky with brilliance that outshines the sun. You see, day is really night, but night is day. . ."

"What are we gonna do about him, Mike?"

I dunno, Steven. You want to try starting another fight?

". . .those who are dead are only beginning to live. . ."

"Sounds good to me. Hey, Slurp, how about a knuckle sandwich?"

And it's time for us to take another break. Gosh I love that music. Doo-doo! De-do-de-doo!

Are you exhibiting symptoms of becoming a household pet? Do you feel urges to claw at furniture and drink out of toilets? Call us at 1-800-TRASHIE. We'll fix your story right up.

Welcome back. To give us some peace of mind, Steven Thing and I wrestled Mr. Bonnet- gut's microphone off his shirt. He's still babbling away, but thankfully, no one can hear his sonorous voice anymore.

Our last guest is a distinguished horror writer for kids. Please welcome Mr. R.L. Swine.

"Hey, everybody. Hi Mike."

Hello, Mr. Swine. Let's cut right to the chase here, since I can't think of any polite or civil questions to ask. (Besides, heheh, who would want to hear them anyway?) Mr. Swine, why are your books so boring?

"Well, Mike, that's a tough question. We have to look at it from a couple. . .Hey! Whaddaya mean my books are boring?"

Well, let's face it, Mr. Swine. There's no bloodshed. No grisly deaths, or people's eyes pop- ping out. You don't swear, write about blood-gushing bodily injury, and there's no sex. (By the way, my contract requires me to say "sex" at least once every show.)

"Yeah, R.L. What gives?"

"Well, guys, I'm writing for kids. I don't want to have any gore, swearing, or sex. What's with you two?"

Steve, I don't think he's going to tell us about gore, sex, or do much swearing. We've busted with this one.

"You want me to pick another fight, Mike? I was just rummaging through my pockets and I found my trusty Swiss Army cleaver."

No, don't bother, Steve. We're almost out of time, and I still have a few more commercials to run. Just appreciate the fact that Mr. Swine has better, um, diction than good ol' Slurp. Doo-doo! De-do-de-doo!

Do you feel the urge to drink people's blood? Do you believe that two of your teeth are actually fangs? Do you believe that you're becoming a vampire? Call us at 1-800- TRASHIE. We'll talk. We'll chat. We'll help you make your story more outlandish and more interesting. We'll have you say things on camera, whether they're true or not.

Well, that's our show for today. I hope you'll join us tomorrow, when we interview Martians who are confessing to switching places with Earth people. I'll see ya then. B'bye everybody! Doo- doo! De-do-de-do-de-do-deeee-doooo!

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