TV Drama

ubbish, Ref!" Jeff screamed at the TV, spilling beer down the front of his stained, blue undershirt as he threw his hands up in dismay. The excitement of the game was so great that he almost took his feet from the stool and sat forward. The threat of effort vanished with quick relief as his team scored another goal.

"Go, you Raiders!" Jeff yelped, then drank a victory salute to the TV.

"Here�s to Friday night football."

Looking at the TV through the gap between his feet, Jeff wondered what could be better than this--an early evening storm was brewing outside, the sound of thunder rumbling through the floor every now and again; a warm radiator glowed red close by and his team was winning the game on the box. He looked at his half empty can of beer, belched and rubbed his paunch. "This is the life. Urlp!"

Jeff lifted the remote control and aimed it at the TV, pressing the channel change button. With a flash and a blur of white light, the TV sparked, smoked, then melted into the floor. Crackling noises danced about him in a frenzy. Jeff looked down at the remote. He aimed it at the ruins in the corner of the room and pressed the channel change button again. Nothing.

Jeff was stumped. His groggy brain wrestled with the scene while his stomach called for another swig. "Bugger!" he belched. Moving his ponderous weight into a forward sitting position, feet clumping to the floor beside the stool, Jeff contemplated standing up.

"FREEZE!" a loud voice screeched.

Jeff saw something tumble across the lounge room floor and out through the kitchen�s half panel, swing doors. Jeff frowned. "Hey!"

"Freeze or be ash!" the voice screeched again. This time Jeff saw the front of a wide object poke around the corner and take aim at him. "You busted my TV!" Jeff half shouted.

"Drop your weapon and lay on the floor."

Jeff looked at the can, shrugged, took a big pull of the beer and then dropped the can to the floor. He tried to stand but couldn�t. With an exaggerated sigh he slumped back in the chair and shook his head. "Can�t."

The swing doors burst open, one snapping off its hinges to fly across the room and land, with a crash, against the dust covered trophy cabinet. A tall (very tall, Jeff noted) metal clad figure crouched a few metres away, its red eyes blinking down the length of a weapon. "Who are you, and where�s Hui?" Its metallic voice rang around the room�s walls.

Jeff�s mind wanted to hit the panic button but his body, booze soaked and heavy, begged him to stay put and wait for a TV repair man. Giving up on action he considered the imposing figure with all its emphasis on threat. He lifted the remote control in one hand and offered it to the intruder. "You know how to fix the TV? Raiders are up in the last quarter."

"Drop it!" snapped the metal man. "Drop it now!"

Jeff dropped the remote and belched. "What ever you say."

The man crab-walked up to the side of the chair and, with an outstretched leg, he kicked the beer can and remote across the room.

Jeff scratched his belly and let out a fart. Through beer filled eyes, he considered the situation. "You gunna rob me?" On closer inspection, Jeff thought the man looked more like a machine. "You look kinda odd," Jeff added, noticing the metal plates of its chest and its thick, burnished legs.

"What have you done with Hui?" The muzzle of the weapon pushed into Jeff�s chest.

"Why�d you trash the set?" Jeff pushed the weapon�s hard muzzle out of the way. "And don�t go pointin� things at people. It�s rude."

The armored machine leapt backwards into a crouched, fighting stance, it eyes glowed amber and the weapon hummed.

"Shit!" Jeff rolled from the chair just in time to see it flash into ash.

"Freeze!" the machine screeched again. This time Jeff stayed sprawled on the floor. The machine knelt beside him and ran something cold over his body. It felt as if icy fingers were pulling at his innards, shaking his bones. He let out a sigh of relief when it stopped. "Stand up."

Jeff placed his hands flat on the floor in front of him and pushed himself up into a kneeling position. "Give�s a hand will ya?" He put his right hand up and out to the machine. "I�m a bit pissed mate and the old football injury�s playin� up a bit," he said, rubbing his knees.

The machine took a step backwards and leveled its weapon at him again.

"You�re not the friendly type, are you?" Jeff coughed. No sooner had he managed to get to his feet than the room started to shift before his eyes and blood pounded in his ears like a Salvo�s big base drum. I have to find a wall, he thought, finding it hard to stay upright.

The machine took several steps sideways and gazed out through the rag curtained window. It lowered the weapon to its side and stared out into the night. "What is this place?" it said, turning to face Jeff.

"It�s my house, what do you think it is?" Jeff moved to the wall. The machine snapped up the weapon again. "Hey, take it easy, I need to lean against something. I got the staggers, okay?" Jeff leant his back up against the wall. A picture of a Raiders Finals team wobbled beneath the back of his head.

"What are you doing here?" asked the machine, taking a moment to look around the room. It walked to a bookcase that was spilling over with empty tins, food packets and books. It pulled out a volume of The Encyclopedia Britannica, gripping one side of the cover in its hand and flipping it open to stare at the tiny print. It looked up at Jeff, then threw the book across the room. "Answer me!"

Jeff felt sick. His head hurt, his legs were cold, he noticed that the radiator had turned itself off. He looked down at himself and was at least thankful that he�d decided to leave his underwear on before watching the big game. "You think I could put some trousers..."

The weapon discharged with a flash and a loud hiss. A neat stinking hole appeared beside Jeff�s head. The bricks were scorched neatly through and the Raiders winning team had been halved.

"I�m not armed you dip shit!" Jeff screamed, half with anger, half with muddled fear. "What the hell are you doing in my house?" he yelled, feeling confusion grip his mind like a warm hand around a cold tinny.

"Come here," the machine said, stepping back from the window.

Jeff was shaking. The air was cold. He edged towards the machine, not really wanting to but the threat of the weapon compelled him to move.

"Look out there and explain." The machine lowered the weapon again and made a gesture with one of its stumpy hands.

Jeff pushed the hanging rag aside and glanced through the dirty glass. The darkness was still there but� He looked back at the machine. "What�s going on here?"

"What do you see?" The machine squatted on the floor, leant the weapon up against the wall and placed its two hands around its neck.

Jeff gazed out the window again. His mouth dropped open, his eyes bulging like two squeezed marshmallows. "There�s...there�s." He looked at the machine�no, man. The machine had removed its head and now sticking out of the mass of metal was a long haired human head with a matted beard and bloodshot eyes. "Where am I?" Jeff croaked.

The man pulled at his hair with thick metal hands and winced at some familiar pain. "Ganymede."

"Eh?" Jeff looked out the window again. Outside was bare rock. A crater stood where his car usually sat parked in the drive. A distant light flicked in the darkness. A flash lit the sky then sparked across a far horizon. The scene looked cold, icy and nothing like the suburb he ignored every day.

The man grunted. "I don�t know who you are, but I do know we are on Ganymede and that the peace talks are scheduled." The man pulled a narrow case from a leg pocket and plugged a thin lead into his right eye.

"What you doing?" Jeff watched the man with cloudy interest. "Doesn�t that hurt?" He winced as the man jiggled the wire about in his eye. An image of a woman wobbled into focus, hovering above the opened case. "Sharran reporting," the man said.

"Who you talking to?" Jeff stared at the small image of a woman. It hovered above the case on a shimmering cloud.

"I see you are in comfort, Sharran," the woman said, with a look of concern creasing her square features.

Sharran surveyed the room, halting when it focused on Jeff. "Who is that?" the woman snapped with surprise. "That�s not Hui."

"I know, and this is not Hui�s time either," Sharran said, motioning Jeff to come closer. "I triggered the catcher at the allotted time on the proposed co-ordinates and ended up here. This human was sitting, armed, in a chair watching a battle on a monitor when I arrived." He looked at Jeff again.

"Can she see me?" Jeff dropped his hands down over his crotch and backed away.

"It�s shy?" The woman laughed, but there was little humor in her tone.

"Now�what�s happening here?" Jeff was scared, confused and drunk.

"Seems we miscalculated on something..." Sharran looked up at him.

"Your name?"

"Jeff." Jeff wondered if he needed to sleep. This madness was sure to be due to swapping beer brands before eating.

"It appears, Jeff, that we brought back the wrong time. You were meant to be President Hui Ching and this was supposed to be the Alien Negotiations Centre." Sharran waved his hand around the room.

"Shit mate, you mean you busted my TV because you made a mistake?" Jeff spluttered.

Sharran smiled. "You don�t know what�s going on do you?"

"I bloody know that I�m half stung, my TV�s stuffed and you put my house in a Mede..."

"Ganymede," Sharran interrupted.

"Well, it ain�t where it was when I came home tonight!" Jeff bellowed. The excitement was giving him a headache.

Sharran stood up and looked down on Jeff, being a good metre taller. "Well, we got ourselves a small problem, Jeff."

"What�s this bloody we shit, tin man!" Jeff was finding courage within his boozy stupor. "And why you got a girl�s name?" Jeff balled his fists. I need to take a leak, he thought, feeling his bladder�s call.

"What time point is this?" Sharran asked, walking to the broken kitchen door and looking into the other room.

"Time point?"

"Is it FD, TR, or are we in a backwoods of GI?" Sharran looked back at Jeff. His face creased with strain and his eyes looked older, colder than the face they inhabited.

"It�s Friday," Jeff said. "Start of the weekend."

Sharran scowled, lifted the case to his face and began speaking to it. "This human says its Friday, weekend, that reference have any meaning to you?"

"We got a pre-ex, Sharran," squawked the little floating woman.

Sharran�s face whitened. Jeff thought the large man was going to pass out. "Don�t look so shocked, Sharran," the voice continued, "you were only out by one. This human may still be of use." The tiny figure turned and faced Jeff. "Fortunately, Hui comes from so far back in time that no-one would know what this legend of history was supposed to look like."

"This will be of use then." Sharran looked at Jeff, his eyes hard, empty. "What is this plan you have so obviously developed, Yonny? "

There was a pause as Sharran stiffened and his eyes flickered with bizarre activity. "I�ll try, you explain it to Command," he said, facing Jeff with a wide smile splitting his face. He unplugged the lead from his eye and stowed the case back into his leg pouch. "Looks like you�re going to put an end to the war, Jeff."

Jeff opened his eyes to find himself staring at the filthy face of Sharran. He blinked several times before accepting that the big man�s face was indeed looking down at him.

"How are you feeling?" Sharran asked.

Jeff groped about his mouth with his tongue, in search of moisture. He swallowed something crusty that had flaked from a tooth before managing a small reply. "Beer."

Sharran�s face creased, his lips curled down and his eyes wobbled in his head, like two eggs in a jar of vinegar.

"In the fridge. Get me a beer." Jeff�s voice was barely a whisper.

The window exploded inwards with a loud bang, showering Sharran and Jeff with glassy rain. Jeff, possessed by a new fear, leapt to his feet faster than he had moved in his entire life. I�ve pissed myself, he thought. He could feel dampness in his crotch.

"In there!" yelled Sharran, shoving Jeff towards, and into, the kitchen.

Wind screamed about their ears, thrashed and bellowed, tossed the scant furniture about as tissues and ate up the colour, to leave nothing but a grey haze.

"The fridge!" Jeff yelled, as he scampered through the door.

The trophy case flashed, then was gone. The room sizzled with spitting sounds and pungent odors. Jeff, feeling a surge of bravery, slid across the grease coated kitchen floor towards the fridge. The great metal man clumped along behind him.

"What in all clicks are you doing?" bellowed Sharran. Jeff pulled groups of cans from the fridge and tried to stuff them under his arm.

"Supplies," Jeff cried. His mind wrestled with the fact he could not carry it all by himself. The fridge was full of beer, ten dozen cans for the weekend.

Sharran pushed his hand against the opened fridge door and slammed it shut, almost trapping Jeff�s hands inside. "We are safe in here."

"But the...you know...that sparkling thingy in there." Jeff pointed to the lounge room.

"Fold back," Sharran said, taking one of the cans from a plastic holder in Jeff�s hand. "The time displacement is unstable."

Jeff was a bit concerned about this man�s calmness. "Isn�t it dangerous?" Jeff opened a can of his own and drank the cool, bitter liquid in two big gulps.

Sharran placed his can on top of the fridge and smiled, "Only if we go back into that room."

With his belly filling with the relaxing ale, Jeff considered the huge figure before him. "Why you got a girl�s name?" he asked again, finding something else to distract his fear, besides the beer.

"I am called Sharran."

"Sounds like a girl�s name to me," remarked Jeff, dropping the empty can and lifting another to his lips.

"I do not understand the meaning of that, Jeff, but it is of little concern." Sharran eyed the second can as it emptied into Jeff�s substantial mouth. "Is that a sustenance aid?"

Jeff belched, rubbing a hand over his crotch in order to rearrange the seam of his wet underpants. "Yeah! This is the milk of the Gods." Jeff went for another but Sharran�s hand gripped his wrist like a vice on a banana. "Shit mate!" Jeff cried with pain.

"I detect that this substance is altering your brain pattern, your reflex�s have slowed." Sharran knocked the other cans out of Jeff�s hands.

"You�re pretty strong," said Jeff, not sure what else to say. He looked at the floor and the scattered cans and noted that where Sharran stood the floor dipped as though a great weight was on top of it. He looked at the marred metal of Sharran�s armor. "That stuff you�re wearin must be pretty heavy?" he asked, touching its cool surface with his other hand.

"What stuff?" Sharran released Jeff, a look of confusion staining his craggy features.

"That armor you�re wearing. It must weigh a ton!" Jeff tapped the surface and listened to the solid thunk of his knuckle on the metal.

"I am not wearing armor." Sharran fixed a stare of consternation on Jeff. "I am traveling light to allow for ease of movement."

"Yeah, mate," Jeff laughed, " and what do you call this stuff?" He pointed at Sharran�s chest.

"I see what you a referring to." Sharran frowned. "I am not one of your kind, Jeff. I am a Ryhan." He touched his head. "We have adopted human features to aid in the negotiations for peace."

Jeff�s mouth dropped open, his feet felt like they were cemented in place and his mind cried for a sleep. "I...I..."

Sharran blinked hard. His features took on a sterness akin to determination.

"We must go now, Jeff."

"No way, mate, I�m staying right here." Jeff stiffened his spine but couldn�t suck his stomach in enough to make his chest appear any bigger.

"Jeff, I have arrested this time accidentally, and as the time device is restricted to a single use, you will have to perform the duties of Hui Ching."

"Me?" Jeff felt really sick now. His mind reeled, bucked, and his stomach churned. "I need to chuck." He bent in the middle and placed his hands on his knees.

"You are our only choice."

"I�m not even Chinese," Jeff coughed, as some bile stung the back of his nose.

"Are you not a human?"

"Red blooded and all, tin man." Jeff looked up at Sharran, then decided to stand up straight before he tipped over at trying to look up so far.

"But I�m Anglo and this Ching Ching fellow sounds Asian."

Sharran shook its head. "That is of no concern here, Jeff, the human�s of this time do not know what Hui Ching is or looks like, she was too far back in time."

"She!" Jeff felt stupid. He felt angry and frustrated. He felt like having another beer.

"She was regarded as the greatest peace negotiator of her time."

"I need a drink." Jeff bent down to grab one of the full cans. He�d heard just about enough and hoped that once he�d drunk all his beer that the dream would be nothing more than a headache and a furry tongue.

"You will come with me." Sharran grabbed Jeff�s shoulder and lifted him from the floor. "The meeting with the human war council is less than a sun�s shining away and you must be present."

"Let me go you great metal moron." Jeff kicked at Sharran�s legs only to feel his toes crack on impact. "Ouch! Let go. I need a drink." Jeff slapped Sharran�s face and felt real flesh under his hand. "At least let me take the beer." Jeff had to think quick. Sharran was already carrying him to the back door. "I need it or I�ll get sick, I might even die."

Sharran halted and without lowering Jeff he picked up the fridge in his other hand by crushing a hand-hold into the its side with his grip. "We must go now!"

Sharran left his weapon in the sparkling lounge room and exited the back door with Jeff under one arm and an old fridge, clasped like an oversized case, in the other.

Once outside, Jeff started to gasp for air. "C....C...ant...br..."

Sensing his difficulty, Sharran halted, dropped the fridge and pulled a silver ball from a concealed drawer in its chest. In one quick movement Jeff found himself totally enclosed in an opaque film that allowed him to breathe but not move or see. Sharran hoisted the fridge onto its shoulder and stamped across the rock ground into the darkness, Jeff, a small silver package under its free arm.

"This is Hui Ching, Commander." Jeff heard Sharran say as he felt the solid surety of a floor through the opaque shell beneath him.

"Yonny says that Hui has altered because of the transference." A new voice filled the silence. A strange voice.

Jeff found himself lying on the bare metal floor staring up at a smooth sided box with small blue spheres, balls of something circling about its top like a fuel company�s advertising logo.

"You could have warned me before you took that stuff off," Jeff coughed, struggling to look up at Sharran.

"This does not sound like the Hui Ching we discovered in the ancient human records," the box said.

Jeff looked at the box and back at Sharran, he could have sworn that the sound came from inside his own head rather than from the box.

"Yonny has explained, Commander, that the time capture device altered things as it secured Hui�s time point," Sharran said, looking down at Jeff.

"I understand, Sharran, but the alterations appear to be excessive. I was certain that Hui was a�"

"There is no time for technical philosophizing, Commander." A new voice jarred at Jeff as it interrupted the conversation.

"Where�s the fridge?" Jeff asked, just to hear a sound that didn�t come from inside his head.

"The human council wishes to address the Ryhan Kernal now and it waits for this mediator. Let us produce Hui Ching before unrest sets in." The new voice had no substance but Jeff thought it was somehow connected to a bright yellow light that hovered in one corner of the room.

Jeff stood up and straightened his undershirt and pulled the leg seam of his underpants out from between his buttocks. "I..."

"Hui is ready," Sharran said, gripping Jeff�s shoulder with one hand to halt any protest.

"Good, then take her in," the box echoed.

Jeff winced against the pain in his shoulder. "My beer, I need my beer."

"Sharran, give Hui Ching whatever she requires to perform the task." With that, the box disappeared and the yellow light faded to nothing.

"Now what?" Jeff wrestled against Sharran�s grip. "I�m not going anywhere until you tell me what�s going on here?" Jeff felt tears on his cheeks and he felt his body shake, though he wasn�t cold.

"You are to negotiate peace between Ryhan and Human. I thought that was clear."

"I can�t," Jeff cried. Real tears flowed down his face and he shuddered with weeping. "I don�t know what�s going on here, Sharran. I�m scared."

"Do you require some beer, Jeff?" Sharran moved aside and revealed the fridge, standing dented and scarred behind him.

Jeff sat on the floor with a thump, put his face into his hands and cried. Sharran clumped to the fridge and pulled out a six pack of cans and presented them to Jeff.

"Drink some of your sustenance, Jeff, and let us go. Time is running out."

Jeff took the cans and sat staring at the shiny tops with their perfect ring pull lids. He lifted one can from its plastic ring holder, pulled the lid free with a whist of gas, and poured the whole can into his mouth. Beer spilled over his face and onto his undershirt. A puddle of beer formed between his collarbone and neck sending tiny waterfalls over his chest of matted hair.

"We must go now, Jeff." Sharran lifted Jeff to his feet and steered him toward a featureless door that appeared in the wall.

"Bring the fridge," Jeff said. As he walked toward the door he pulled another can into action. Sharran came beside Jeff as he stood before the door.

"I cannot enter with you, Jeff." Sharran opened the door, thrust the fridge through and closed it again. Jeff heard a crowd gasp before the door had completely shut. Sharran stepped back and waited.

Jeff sculled the last of the can, looked up at Sharran and smiled. "Now bugger off, tin man," he snarled. "If it weren�t for you, I�d be home havin� a few quiet ones in front of the TV." Jeff threw the can at Sharran and it clinked off its great metal chest.

"Thank you, Jeff. I wish you well also." Sharran turned and stomped away, leaving Jeff standing alone in the cavernous room. He had four cans in one hand and the rest of his beer waited on the other side of the door.

He took his time to finish the remaining four cans. His strength and determination grew with the fogginess that arrested his brain. He was ready. Jeff pulled his underpants up higher, readying himself, but then pulled them down a bit again for comfort. With a great push he entered the room.

It was bright, white and noisy. Jeff waited until his eyes adjusted to the glare. There were several people dressed in tattered clothes and armor like gridiron pads hugging their shoulders. They sat on top of stone blocks, laughing with great metal men with their neat human heads.

"I�I have come to�" Jeff started and halted, the noise was too loud for him to get the gathering's attention.

"Have you no nectar?" screeched a hard, metallic voice.

Jeff turned and looked up into the stony face of a metal man. "I�I�ve come about the peace talks," Jeff stuttered.

"Good, good" laughed the hulk. "Hui Ching has already done a marvelous job."

Jeff halted. "Hui Ching is here?"

"Yes, yes human, she is over there dispensing the peace nectar now." The metal man patted Jeff on the back and rushed away to be greeted by a group of humans nearby.

Jeff squinted into the light and saw his fridge. It was surrounded by humans and metal men pulling cans of beer out and drinking. "My beer!" Jeff yelled.

The room fell silent. Jeff stood with all eyes focused on him.

"Human!" said a human, whose face was young but his body showed the ravages of age. He walked from the group that surrounded the fridge to stand before Jeff. "You sound angry." The man put out his hand and beckoned. "Come, drink some nectar from Hui Ching."

Jeff stumbled into the midst of the gathering to stand beside his beloved fridge.

"Hui Ching," said the man, "have you some peace nectar for our friend?"

A metal woman turned to the fridge. "Hui Ching, have you a peace drink for our friend?" She opened the fridge door and smiled. "Hui Ching has one left." She took a can from the fridge and handed it to Jeff. "Drink human, the peaceful gift of Hui Ching. It is truly the nectar of the Gods."

Jeff looked about the room. Human and machine laughed, embraced and talked loudly with grand gestures. He looked at his battered fridge and the collection of empty cans scattered about the floor. I did it. Jeff stiffened with pride and rejoiced in the fuzzy euphoria of his success. If only I could remember how I did it? Oh well.

Jeff flipped open the ring pull and took a deep satisfying drink.

"Hey!" he yelled again, lowering the can. The gathering fell silent and again all eyes turned to him.

"Anyone know if the Raiders won in 2008?"

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