Afternoon
'm over here being social. You should try it sometime," Mindy shouts to her
brother. She is seated at the head of the dining room table, facing away from
it, talking quietly on the phone. Her brother Jack is doing a crossword on the
couch in the living room.
"I'm in the middle of this," Jack says.
"You're always in the middle of something," Mindy whines loudly.
"I only called because I wanted to know where you were," Jack says. "I hadn't heard you in a while and you're always so noisy. I thought, maybe you got knocked unconscious somehow, possibly having tripped and fallen down."
"Very funny," says Mindy.
The doorbell rings shortly after her phone call and Mindy goes to answer it. Her friend Kim walks into the house.
"Hi Jack," says Kim.
"Hi Kim," Jack replies without looking up from the newspaper.
The girls enter the dining room, stand next to the table, gab secretively while Jack tries to complete his crossword. He needs three more words. The likelihood of him getting them appears slim. After several minutes with very little noise in the house he gets up and wanders into his parents' dining room.
The two girls immediately stop their talking.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt," Jack squawks as he continues through and on into the kitchen. There is no response from the girls. They wait until he is completely out of the dining room before continuing their conversation.
Jack opens the refrigerator and gets some orange juice. He remains as quiet as possible so that he may overhear the girls. He can make out bits and pieces of what they are saying. They seem to be discussing, once again, Kim's roller coaster relationship with her latest boyfriend, a topic of conversation that has been forever continuing.
With juice in hand, Jack returns to the puzzle. As he passes through the dining room the girls hear his remark that they don't have to be so confidential around him. He hears crap all the time. It's of no surprise to him. Business as usual.
"We'll tell you if you want to know," Kim says, looking directly at Jack, first his eyes, then hair, then collar, then belt.
"I don't want to know and I don't want you to tell me," Jack replies. "I'm just saying you don't have to stifle yourselves when I go through to get a damn glass of juice. I mean, what's the big deal? Are we discussing the location of our intercontinental ballistic missile silos? Perhaps we know of a multimillion dollar corporate takeover that will happen tomorrow and are planning a call to our broker."
"Go drink your juice and finish your crossword," Mindy instructs her brother.
Jack moves on into the living room.
"He's funny," Kim coos.
"I need a seven letter word for 'refuse' and the first letter starts with an 'r,'" Jack yells into the dining room.
There is no answer.
"Hello?" he asks, louder.
Still no answer.
Jack stops asking, and shortly thereafter abandons completing the crossword puzzle. He looks up and through a window sees a squirrel scurrying about. It is burying acorns. It climbs up the one large oak tree on the front lawn, shakes a branch, the same branch every time, then climbs back down to the ground, finds one acorn that dropped, runs off and buries it. Then it repeats the entire process. Jack thinks its mother or father would have explained that it is not really necessary to climb, shake, and descend the tree for each and every acorn that it buries.
Jack has one hiking boot leaning off the arm of the couch. The other is flatly on the floor. His head is buried in one of the couch pillows. He his sleeping.
"Jack!" shouts Mindy.
"Jack!" repeats Kim.
There is no response.
Next, the girls are airborne. Both of their bottoms land squarely on portions of his torso. Shocked and pinned simultaneously, Jack's first waking thought is that of having been captured by the enemy in a shallow, muddy trench on Iwo Jima.
(He sustained only minor bruises, all of which healed by Friday.)
"What are you girls, crazy?" he screams, wrestling out from under them.
"We have to ask you something," they say.
"You could have gotten my attention a little more peacefully," he gripes.
"We want to know something from a 'guy' perspective."
Jack sits up next to the girls. Mindy is in the middle.
"From a 'guy' perspective?" he repeats. "O.K. I'll tell you. Yes, shopping for four hours at the mall and buying nothing is pathetic. No, there is no need to try on fifteen pairs of jeans before buying one. Yes, a hundred and fifty dollars is too much to spend on a new hairstyle. And yes, the new guy on 'The Young and the Restless' does happen to be married. He, in fact, has three kids."
"Do you think long hair looks better on most women, or short hair?" Mindy asks, seriously.
"Long hair."
"Are you sure?"
"No question."
"See, I told you," Kim exclaims proudly.
"Why do you think so?" Mindy asks Jack.
"That's what guys like," answers Kim.
"That's what guys like," answers Jack.
"But short is in," argues Mindy.
"To give the hairstylists something to do," Jack argues.
The two girls sigh simultaneously.
It is probably worth noting here that both Mindy and Kim have straight hair that is shoulder length. Mindy's hair is a dark red but we shall not disclose whether or not it is her natural color. Kim's hair is a golden blonde, turning ash blonde nearer the roots.
"Well then, what do you think about the length of our hair?" asks Mindy.
"I think it's all right."
"That's it? Just all right?"
"It's nice. What more can I say? I've seen nicer. I've seen worse."
The two girls look to each other. They both think Jack is being a bit blunt, but nonetheless truthful. They want to ask him more, and do.
"What else do you like about women then, Jack?" Mindy asks.
"Yeah, what else do you like, Jack?" Kim asks.
"What about?"
"Women!" the girls shout in unison.
"What about women?" It seems too broad a question for him.
"Whatever," Mindy says. "Do you like tall women? Skinny women? French women? Women with big lips? You know..."
Jack looks at Mindy, then Kim. He sits up straight.
"Well, what I like may or may not be representative of most men. What you want is the opinion of the majority of men."
Mindy overrides his argument. "Just tell us what you like. We'll sort the rest out, thank you very much."
Jack scratches his forehead. "Well, I like long hair that doesn't have a lot of curl in it. In fact, it should be..."
"What color?" Kim interjects.
"It doesn't matter what color. Only the style matters."
The girls seem to acknowledge this. Jack continues.
"I like girls a little on the slim and tall side, and the athletic type, but no jocks. Jocks are a complete turn-off. You go to a party on a Friday night and there's a girl there in a softball uniform because she just came from a game. Ugh."
"What else?" asks Mindy.
"What else is there?" Jack hesitates.
"Oh, come on," Kim presses, "there's a whole mess of stuff."
"Like what?" asks Jack.
"What color eyes do you like?" asks Kim.
"Well, I like blue on brunettes. I think that looks sexy. But really I'm not super critical on that."
"What about lips?" Kim asks.
Jack shrugs. "I guess I never really notice."
"Come on, give us a break," Mindy snips. "You never notice women's lips? What kind of lips does Bernadette Peters have? What kind of lips does Julia Roberts have?"
"It doesn't matter," Jack replies.
"It doesn't matter," Kim snickers, making a face.
Jack wants some more juice. He gets up.
"Where are you going?" Mindy asks.
Jack doesn't respond but the girls seem to know he is going back into the kitchen. They get up and follow him to the refrigerator.
"Jack, do you think Kim is fat?" Mindy asks.
"A blimp. How'd you get through that doorway? Axle grease?"
"Come on, Jack." Mindy seems annoyed.
"I don't know. I'd have to ask her a few questions first," he says.
"Like what?" Kim quickly asks.
"Don't listen to him," Mindy warns Kim. "He might ask you to take your clothes off."
"I'll do it," Kim says to Mindy, loud enough for Jack to hear.
Mindy's jaw drops. Jack drinks some orange juice.
The dog barks and needs to be taken for a walk. Nobody is terribly enthusiastic about going outside. No one does. The front door on the landing of the high ranch is opened and the German short-haired pointer scampers out. A snack is eaten by the girls in the kitchen. Twinkies.
"I love Twinkies," says Mindy.
Jack saunters back after letting out the dog.
"Oh my God!" bursts out Mindy in a fit. "How could I have forgotten?! You must see the dress!" She clutches Kim's arm hard as they sit at the kitchen table. Kim's eyes light up. Abruptly they leave the room and move down the hallway leading to the bedrooms.
Jack sees the TV Guide on the kitchen counter. He looks up the movies to be shown on HBO and Showtime this evening. He seems disgusted and looks up what will be on Cinemax, although neither he nor his parents get this channel.
Now he hears his name being called and is thankful he is awake this time, and standing.
"Come here," cries Mindy.
Jack walks down the hallway and sees the two girls standing in the entrance of Mindy's old bedroom. A new dress covered in clear plastic is hanging on the outside of a walk-in closet door, just inside the room.
"What do you think of it?" Mindy asks Jack. "I think Kim is humoring me."
Jack turns to Kim. "Thumbs up or thumbs down?"
"Thumbs up," Kim replies, resolutely.
"I'm having second thoughts about it," Mindy admits.
There is silence a moment while all three look at the dress.
"Well...," Jack remarks, "...it's black."
"So?" Mindy shrugs.
"So, you get no points for originality. Everyone is wearing black now. It's despicable. You'd think half the world died and the other half are going to the wakes."
"That's not what I don't like about it," Mindy says.
"Then what don't you like about it," Jack asks, rolling his eyes.
"It's hard to describe."
"Try."
"I'd have to show it to you while I'm wearing it," Mindy explains.
"Forget it," Jack says, throwing his hands in the air. "I don't have the time." He begins to walk back to the other side of the house.
"Oh, please...," Mindy pleads, spinning in place.
"Yes, please...," Kim whimpers, bending at the knees, her hands clutched together tightly between her knees.
Jack stops, turns around, and looks at Kim. "Why are you so interested?" he asks.
"She's a girl, Jack," Mindy answers for her. "Girls are into these things."
"Oh...," Jack utters in a low voice. He appears stuck, standing in the middle of the hallway for a moment. Then his eyes look up and he says to Mindy, "O.K., go put it on."
The two girls scramble into the walk-in closet with the dress, closing the door behind them.
Jack opens the door and sees Kim wearing Mindy's new dress. He looks to Mindy. "I thought you were going to try it on, to get my opinion."
"You can tell me how it looks on Kim," Mindy replies, pointing to her in the same manner as a woman on a game show would point to a curtain a prize has been hidden behind.
"It's not the same," Jack argues.
"Why not? " Kim asks. "We're both size four."
"I don't know. It just isn't."
The three of them stand idle in the closet.
"You girls have been real goofy. What's gotten into you two? A shortage of good boyfriends recently?"
"We like you, Jack," Kim purrs.
"Yeah, we like you, Jack," Mindy echoes.
Suddenly in a flurry of energy, Mindy darts out of the closet, sweeps her hand along the inside wall to turn out the light, and closes the door behind her. Jack is frozen in the dark. Kim giggles.
Mindy hears subtle cries from Jack asking what is happening as she holds the door closed from the outside. In the darkness Jack is unnerved. He thinks of reasoning with the woman in the closet standing next to him, a woman he cannot see. He is not sure what will happen next. A number of possibilities abound.
"It's only me, Jack...," he hears quietly, "...Kim."
Seconds seem like minutes to Jack.
"It's Kim," he hears a moment later, the voice closer to him.
"Kim," again, in a whisper, now the voice near his ear. How can she know exactly where his ear is?
He feels a kiss on the side of his neck. He shivers.
"Hey," he says.
"Yes?" she hisses.
Jack says no more. There is silence for a while. Then he feels Kim take his hand.
Mindy hears nothing from outside the closet. She lessens the force she is exerting on the door, holding it closed. She wonders what is happening inside.
"O.K. you two. That's enough," she commands, her words directed into the crease between the door and the frame.
"There," Jack says quietly to Kim, attempting to evade the assault. "She says that's enough."
A moment later a flash of light fills the closet. Before the two have a chance to react, Mindy sees them together - Jack pinned to the wall, Kim's hands squeezing the back of his pants, one of her legs between the two of his, her head cocked to one side, her hair falling away, away.
Kim reacts by turning around, walking past Mindy out of the closet, out of the room, down the hall, onto the living room couch. Wearing the black dress.
"Some friend," Jack says to his sister as he straightens himself up. "Did you say you two met in gym class in high school, or perhaps competing for a cab in the rain on Eighth Avenue?"
Mindy looks at her brother. "Your face is all red. Better to go splash some cold water on it."
"I might do that," he says, and walks out of the closet.
Supper time approaches shortly thereafter and Jack hears the pizza man ring at the front door. He waits until the sound of the cardboard box hitting the top of the stove reverberates throughout the house, then marches into the kitchen.
"I hope you got mushroom," he snickers.
"And onion," Mindy says with her mouth full.
"Yuk. I guess you two aren't going out tonight."
"We are," replies Mindy. "We're going to Faraday's. It's ladies night."
"Big whoop. You'll get free bottom shelf liquor. One shot and you'll have a second opportunity to eat that pizza slice. Onions and all."
"While you watch Jeopardy," Mindy crows.
Jack takes a slice of pizza with him out of the kitchen and settles in some other room of the house.
"He's a charm," Kim murmurs, kicking Mindy's leg under the table.
