A Garlic Triumph and an Onion Tragedy
raham Dennis hated garlic. This presented a dilemma for
Graham�s wife Sue. She could either make dinner for the Dennis family
without adding garlic, or, if her craving for garlic became too severe, she
could make a separate garlic exempt meal for her husband. The latter
option was by far the more time consuming and therefore the less
common.
Graham�s intense dislike of garlic was balanced by Sue�s great love of it. According to Sue garlic could remedy all bodily irregularities, defend the eater against all possible ailments and what�s more tasted like the food of the gods. Thus, knowing full well the pseudo-medicinal properties of garlic and acutely feeling the responsibility of parenthood, Sue Dennis educated her children as to the benefits of garlic eating. The Dennis children (Michelle and David) became mass consumers of garlic.
The phrase �mass consumers� is used advisedly because no one who I have interviewed on the subject has ever encountered a family who ate such large quantities of Garlic. Breakfast time at the Dennis Household was a simple affair: toast lathered in garlic butter (except Graham of course). The children�s lunchtime sandwiches consisted typically of ham or perhaps devon sprinkled with garlic granules, or maybe cheese, lettuce, tomato... and garlic. Cloves of garlic were bought in bulk to provide a convenient snack for the children and the cupboards were stocked full of canned delicacies such as garlic mushrooms and canned spaghetti in a garlic sauce.
The Dennis garlic fetish was not, however, an unhealthy addiction. Neither Sue or Michelle or David was ever sick. But Sue was constantly fearful that the unenlightened children at school were carriers of terrible garlic resistant diseases and responsibly ordered her children to keep their distance from their schoolmates.
Happily Michelle and David had little trouble in acceding to their mothers request. No potential playmate could converse with either of the younger Dennis� for any amount of time without encountering an uncommonly unpleasant odour which led them to promptly find someone else to talk to. This suited Michelle and Davis very well as they felt the other kids at school smelt �funny�. On deeper reflection the two children concluded that everyone in the whole world smelt funny, the only exceptions being each other and their mother.
So safe in the knowledge that her children were relatively well protected from a debilitating disease, Sue felt she could humour her husband�s inexplicable abstention from garlic, although occasionally she couldn�t help asking her spouse whether he wanted garlic tonight.
�Nah, No garlic for me. Garlic gives me a headache�, was always the reply.
Sue also tactfully brought up the subject of garlic whenever Graham was ill.
�Graham you�re always coughing. Let�s get some garlic into you. Why don�t you have some garlic tonight? It�s good for you, lemme put some in.�
�Nah. No garlic for me. Garlic gives me a headache.�
As mentioned earlier, Graham�s dislike of garlic more often than not resulted in the evening meal being devoid of garlic. Over time this started to worry Sue. Were the kids getting enough? The uneasiness grew until Sue became convinced that the family needed garlic for breakfast, lunch AND tea. Garlic was clandestinely added to the Dennis� evening meal.
But Graham was not an easy man to fool. It had become a habit of his during his lengthy marriage to his cherished wife to carefully inspect each meal as a precaution, just in case some garlic had accidentally found its way on to his plate. In eighteen years of marriage Graham had never found anything but unperturbed he would dedicate between five and ten minutes to sifting through his dinner before he ate. His patience was finally rewarded when during the evening meal he triumphantly cried �Ha, what�s this?�
�What�s what Graham?� asked a composed Sue.
�What�s this?� he returned and pointed to a suspicious looking granule nestled deep within his spaghetti bolognaise.
�What�s what?� asked Sue again.
�What�s this here?� he pointed again. �It looks like garlic and garlic gives me a headache.�
�What�s what? I haven�t put garlic in the spaghetti.�
�Well what�s this then?� articulated Graham as he stared fixedly at the offending meal.
�That�s not garlic silly. That�s Chinese onion. I put Chinese onions in the meal tonight.�
Needless to say there were no Chinese onions in the spaghetti that night. Sue had never seen a Chinese onion before nor did she know whether Chinese onions even existed. It was simply a devious plan to ensure the whole family ate enough garlic. Graham failed to anticipate his wife�s cunning and ravenously devoured his Chinese onions and suffered no side effects whatsoever.
�Did you like your spaghetti Graham?� inquired Sue at the completion of the meal.
�Yeah. Chinese onions won�t gimme a headache,� he said smilingly as he exited the room.
Sue started cleaning the table with a satisfied air when she noticed that the two children were still seated with unfinished plates before them.
�Mum�, said David. �Me and Michelle don�t like Chinese onions very much.�
