alone
think I can fly, but I'm not sure.
Everyone always says I can fly, but how do I know? You can't really. Flying is a ritual, it's like religion. I have flying. They're interchangeable. I have religion, I have flying.
The school has surprisingly little effect on me. I can walk through those doors with little or no emotion. Some people feel dread, others feel hate, I feel nothing. That's me, mr. normal, the guy who has no friends, no hobby's, no life, nothing. Some might say, "what do you have to live for?" Everything, I think. I have something to live for, maybe I just don't know what that is yet.
It's difficult being the guy with the lump in his nose, the pigeon walk, the teeth which never seemed to align themselves properly, and most of all the bland personality. Nothing.
"Hi Katie!" says Zack, the football star. So much enthusiasm, I can't seem to muster it. I know I should, yet I can't. I've tried, but it sounds all wrong, unnatural, people know I don't belong, that I need to remain silent, that I need to be bland or silent.
Maybe it's my upbringing, maybe it's genetics, maybe it's your fault. The outsider... I've always suspected there were lots of us, just begging to be accepted, to be normal, but I've never been able to find the rest of us, we don't exist, we change the world yet we don't exist; Biff Loman exists, he lives, I search for life but it alludes my attempts...
The bottle...solace, peace, day after day, the world is cold, the bottle is hot, burns, warms me, makes me see what I can't see...
There she is! So beautiful! Not in your eyes, but in mine. What makes her beautiful? She's like me! Is she? Yes! How can you tell? I've watched!
"Do my homework, clean the house..." whispered like the wind, yet I can hear it! She's talking to herself as we walk home, we're only 5 feet away, she talks to herself also, the inner mind knows too much, she talks to herself, so do I! I'm not the lonely one! Turn around, talk to her. Look, it's easy, I talk to beautiful girls all the time, remember that girl Sarah Viola? You liked her, but I'm the one who talked to her! I have no fear, I'm enthusiastic! I'm tired of your games, can't you see that's not real, your just an imagination, you're world is full of friends and lovers, the real world is only for those with what it takes...
The bottle...solace, peace, day after day, the world is cold, the bottle is hot, burns, warms me, makes me see what I can't see...
Technically she's not beautiful, but to me she's as pure as a trickling stream, she's alone, the world hates her, weighs her down like her backpack... she must know I like her? No, she doesn't, I'm invisible yet can see... the curse of all curses...to see what you can't see...
I used to have friends, lots, but they're gone now, invisible too, they used to have substance, I tried to rub some of that substance off onto my body, but everyone saw through the disguise... they were good at sports, they had quick smiles, they had futures! I had nothing, it wasn't hard to see. They're gone now, maybe they didn't have futures, maybe nobody does, they're in the grave, they've gained the only future guaranteed to all of us... maybe we'll understand each other when we realize we're just bones, but for now the only world I know is the world of skin, yet I can't really exist in it...
"Travis, playing by yourself!" A cheery smile, Max, such a warm person, only 15, yet already so popular, so accepted... Smile, nod, what to say, it's true, I'm in a class, yet I'm alone, nobodies here, the gym is packed but where am I, the solo figure by the window, the world of billions, with the woman looking out onto this world, only the sun filtering onto her... the sun, shines on us all, some more than others... Hopper was right...by the window, watching but not living...
There she is! Talking to herself! Today is the day I talk to her! Hi, my name is... you don't exist, go frolic with Sarah, I want nothing to do with her... nothing... Maybe she's not like me? She doesn't care about the world, we're isolated, but in different ways, how to reconcile it?
Max, so tired, not as enthusiastic, girlfriend broke up with him, what's the big deal, I thought you didn't like her? "I'm just sick of being alone, can't you see Travis, I just don't want to be alone, is that so much to ask?"
Flying is one of the most popular adventure sports. It takes an incredible amount of knowledge, yet, if properly trained, you can go as far as Antarctica.
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