Ignorance is Bliss
n explanation was required. "How am I going to get out of
this one?" Jeremy thought. It was Eileen, no doubt about it. She
was supposed to be in London where he'd abandoned her and their
three daughters over a year ago. How had she found him here in
Sydney? It had to be a coincidence! Her unexpected appearance
certainly jeopardised some delicate plans he had for the young
lady at his table. Jeremy believed that for young ladies,
ignorance is bliss.
Some men abandon their wives for younger lovers. Jeremy did it for money. One morning he simply left home and didn't return. He withdrew their savings from the bank - half a million pounds after the recent death of his wealthy father-in-law - and started a new life in Sydney. He soon found a job and rented a nice apartment with harbour views. He invested the half million, the interest supplementing his salary.
He'd been there almost a year when a young lady came into his life. She'd rented an apartment in the same block and needed a cup of sugar. They got to talking. Her name was Julia. They got to dating. Jeremy couldn't believe his luck. He'd met a young, attractive, intelligent woman who even let slip that she was the sole heir of the huge fortune her cancer-ridden father had amassed. He kept his past, especially his wife and family in London, to himself. When they discussed marriage, she readily accepted his ideological opposition to it, and agreed that sharing resources was in fact a deeper commitment and a greater declaration of love.
When Eileen found them lunching in Doyle's restaurant and interrupted their intimate chat, Jeremy was just explaining the finer points of a unique investment opportunity. If only she could get hold of some of her father's money . . .
"Hey! Jeremy! Fancy seeing you here, you lousy bastard! Where's the money you stole from me and the girls? Your own daughters!"
Jeremy thought furiously. His first tack had to be denial - not original, but serviceable.
"Sorry lady, you must be making some mistake. I've never seen you before in my life!" He calmly picked up his glass of Chardonnay, acutely aware of Julia's perplexed gaze, and still thinking rapidly.
Eileen, as he had expected, was not so easily fobbed off. She laughed outright.
"You're not trying to deny that you ever knew me, are you? Pimplebum!" This last had been a term of endearment arising from an amusing but private incident shortly after their marriage. On this occasion it was spoken with the venom of a death adder and the volume of a rock concert. Jeremy was sure that diners in restaurants three suburbs away had heard it.
Julia was asking him what was going on.
"Nothing," muttered Jeremy. "Just some crazy woman. I'll call a waiter and have her removed."
That was a mistake. It raised Eileen's voice to new heights of indignation.
"Just some crazy woman!? What about Dora and Agnes and Constance? Those poor girls are still asking for their daddy. And where is that half million you took? That is my inheritance money and I want it back!" She turned to Julia. "Has he told you that he has a wife and three daughters in London? Did he tell you that he stole half a million pounds of my money and ran off with it? I'll bet he didn't!"
Julia looked at Jeremy, her eyes clouded with doubt.
"Don't you believe me?" continued Eileen. "Look, I'll prove it. Has he got you into his cot yet?"
Julia's mouth opened but no sound came out.
"Doesn't matter," Eileen went on, "If he hasn't yet, he soon will. When he does, check out his left buttock. There is a small scar in the shape of a teacup right in the middle of it. The name pimplebum didn't come from nowhere."
People at the next table tittered. Jeremy blushed. Julia had in fact seen the blemish and remarked on it the first night they had slept together. It had made her laugh happily, although Jeremy could never see the amusing side of it at all. He glanced at her now to assess the strength of his position. It didn't look good.
And then, a flash of inspiration, pure genius.
He drew Julia aside. "I know her!" he whispered. "She's the receptionist at the psychiatrist's office. She must have been reading my file, trying to blackmail me. That's how - . . . Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my psychiatric treatment sweetheart. I knew how you'd worry. The psychiatrist assures me I'll get over my depression soon. This woman is his receptionist. I recognise her now."
Julia began to cough violently, her face turning red, water streaming from her eyes. It left her weak and gasping for breath. When she recovered she invited Eileen to sit down, then spoke softly but urgently to Jeremy. "Look, I don't want to be followed around by a crazy woman for the rest of my life. Why don't you just give her what she wants on condition that she never comes near us again?"
"But she's asking for - "
"I know. Give it to her. I've got enough coming to me to make that look like peanuts, and we'll be rid of her."
Jeremy did some quick thinking.
"I'll give you two hundred thousand to go away and never bother us again"
"Five hundred thousand, you chiseller, and that's pounds, not dollars!"
Jeremy looked at Julia, whose shrug said "What's a few hundred thousand?"
And so the deal was struck. At Eileen's insistence, they went to the bank immediately to arrange a transfer of funds. When it was done, she turned to Julia.
"Thanks Rosie, you working girls sure have style. You've more than earned your forty percent."
They walked off, arm in arm, leaving Jeremy standing alone in the bank. They didn't even wave goodbye.
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