Into the Next Life
he put the glass of water back on the bedside cabinet half drained and
lay back against the damp pillows, feeling triumphant, feeling as though
she had just jumped out of an airplane without a parachute, stepping
into space, freefalling. It was done. This time, it really was done.
Only time would tell now, there was nothing between her and the next
step except time. And then how would everyone feel? Would they be
shocked? Surprised? Would they mutter beneath gaurded faces and tell
each other that it 'hadn't surprised them really'? How would he feel?
Faced with the truth, the horrible truth that he hadn't seen it in her
eyes before he left for work that morning? How would he feel afterwards,
when he found out and realised that he could have prevented it? Bad, she
hoped.
The house was silent and still. It had that late morning, winter feel about it, grey daylight, no warm shades on offer from soft lamplight as in the late afternoon or evening. The central heating off, the appliances silent. Only the fridge hummed ceaselessly downstairs in the kitchen. The house was so quiet that this small sound came clearly to her ears.
She lay motionless, absorbing the silence, listening inside for changes, for something to happen. So far she didn't feel any different, couldn't discern a change. But surely, some change was occuring? There had to be something going on. She closed her eyes against the grey daylight and listened harder...
Nothing.
They would say she was foolish, should have talked instead of just going ahead regardless of everyone's feelings. There could have been another option they would say, shaking their heads sadly at the outcome of her choice, lives ruined, hearts broken, friends angry, him, angry. And he would be angry, she knew, because he had told her he would be on the one occasion she had asked him. If I... she had said. He had barely been able to speak his response coherently, so angry had he been at the very thought that she might....
She supposed the sympathy would lie with him. People would just think her stupid. Remember her as a foolish, impetuous girl who expected too much and cared only for her own feelings. That wasn't how anyone wanted to be remembered, not really, but in truth, she didn't care. She was desperate and tired of being in the wrong. Tired of always taking the back seat and doing things his way. This was what she wanted and now it was too late for anyone to stop it.
She listened inside again and for a moment felt something... was that something... or just her mind, racing, stimulated, running at full speed and leading her away from reality?
She shifted in the rumpled double bed, easing a faint tingling in her buttocks where the blood supply was slow. Feeling began to come back and she wondered if that was anything she should be looking for. Or would it just happen without her knowing anything about it? That would be a shame in a way because she desperately wanted to be aware, to be able to focus on the moment that it actually happened. No good if she was asleep.
She opened her eyes and they were filled with the white ceiling. She picked up the canyon crack that ran all the way across it as though the whole house was just going to peel apart like a movie set. The crack ran to the top of the window frame where there was a rectangle of cloudy sky and a horizon of green. Not much to remember about today, she thought. Not that the date mattered, or what the weather was doing. Just that it seemed so ordinary, when it might prove to be the most significant in her short life.
If only it could have been different, she thought. If only he could have given me a choice. But he had never given an inch. The six months she had invested in him counted for nothing. He didn't care about her, didn't want to be with her, didn't want her children or to share his future. So what was the point of sticking around to have her love, her feelings of devotion devalued and abused? Yet without him, there was no point, no life, no one to love. She simply couldn't face the idea of having to walk away, having no one. That frightened her badly. She needed to love him, any part of him, in any way possible. Without that, there was nothing.
She turned onto her side, tucking her hands beneath her head as though she were praying in secret. She could hear the slow tick of her watch in her right ear. She closed her eyes again and suddenly felt it. A shift inside her, a stirring, some sense of change. It was happening, it really was happening. Now there was no going back, no emergency action, no backward glances. She had to let it happen. However it ended, whatever happened, she would see it through. Perhaps in this way she would take something of him, some little piece of the love he had been afraid and unwilling to give, some small sense of him would accompany her to wherever it was she would go from here. Perhaps. If not, she would simply face things alone. She had made the decision. She shifted onto her back and looked at the watchface on her wrist. He had been gone for twenty minutes now. It seemed much longer. She didn't know how long it was going to take but she knew he would not be back today. If things went to plan, it would all be over by then and there wouldn't be a damn thing he could do about it.
Suddenly she was angry, the fury and frustration welling up inside her like backflow from a blocked drain. Where did he get off, fucking her and leaving her lying here, not caring what happened to her afterwards, so selfish and unaware of her plans, of what was happening in her body while he walked nonchalantly to work, his mind free of her, busy with his important life, not his past.
She could feel tears threatening, the dark, thick feel of them in her throat making breathing hard, hitching her chest painfully. And she loved him so. How could he be so hateful? How could he be so blind to her needs? Well, she was certain of one thing, she would never love another man, never. Never give herself so foolishly and recklessly to one single, other person. It was over, this life was over. From here, the ground was new, unbroken snow on a hillside.
Something was happening to her, she really could feel it now. Her head was light, she felt a little dizzy, even sick. There was a heavy, trapped feeling in her belly and she was aware that the sticky remains of his recent sweaty exertions were trying hard to seep out between her clenched thighs.
One love, she corrected herself. There would be one love in her life from now on, and no other. The baby that was even now beginning to form inside her would be her love for the rest of her life. He would hate her for it, would reject them utterly, but she was prepared for that. This had been their final encounter, her last stand. He hadn't wanted her back, so she already knew she was going to leave. But she would take him with her... inside her and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.
She pulled the duvet to her chin and stretched her legs out. The remnant seepage pooled onto the sheet beneath her bottom making a small wet patch. The deed was done. She had felt it happen. She had lain here for hours, holding his seed inside her, knowing, in the darkness, that the gift of his she needed was forging its way towards the ovum that awaited them, ripe and ready, inside her. She had made her decision before they had climbed into bed the night before, long before he had forced his love upon her in that way she had come to know that felt more like hatemaking than its loving equivalent.
The baby would look like him, she already knew it. The single dividing cell inside her already had the blueprint for his blue eyes and dark hair. It was a girl, she knew that, even though its sexuality was still a thing of the future. She knew, somewhere deep within, that this child was there to come out.
She could have killed herself, for pain of losing him. She could have. But this was a sweeter revenge and an even sweeter future. She could have him forever now. She could form her love for him around his child. Ha, she thought, swinging her legs over the side of his bed, leaving the stain on the sheet without a backward glance. It wouldn't take her long to pack. She was already looking forward to the look on his face when he read her note, imagining his shock when he read the contents, for she would tell him today what was growing inside her.
As she packed the few things he had allowed her to move into his flat, she felt a warmth deep within. Together at last. She placed a hand on her flat belly, spreading the fingers and pressing a little. "Be still baby", she muttered, zipping her bag closed. It was time, she thought, it was time to travel on, into the next life.
