Picky Picky
k, so people have often told me that I�m a bit picky. I am picky about which movies I like to
watch and things like that, because movies nowadays so often have no plot; but I never really thought that
I was picky about girls. (When desperation kicks in, you just can�t pick and choose!) But, unfortunately,
nobody believes me, so I set out to prove them all wrong.
To protect those involved, the names have been changed from the originals a bit�
It all started right around when 11th grade started. I was very confused, as many a hapless male, when I was around some of my female friends. I wanted them all, it seemed, but two especially �
The only problem was, that I couldn�t really choose between the two. I seemed to know in my mind that I would never be able to get either one of them, yet I was still trying to choose. This would have to stop, I thought one day, while staring at the skirts.
So during my free period, I went and sat down with one of these girls, Stacey Maldrotawichowitz, for short.
�Hey, what�s up?� I said.
�Not much, I gotta study for the Physics test.�
�I can�t let you study��flashing a grin, I put my arm around Stacey�s waist��then what�ll I do?�
�You can help me study or listen to your discman,� she said, staring at me.
�Okie dokie, I just took the test yesterday. I remember a few of the problems. Let�s see,� I started counting on my fingers, �the only hard ones are numbers two and nineteen. There are twenty multiple choice and four problems. You gotta show all your work and the formulas you use, like the definitions of momentum and impulse, basically.�
�Do you remember any of the answers?� she asked, putting her head on my shoulder.
Rolling my tongue around, I stared into the distance for a second, collecting my thoughts. �The first problem, the answer is 50 kg, the girl weighs 50 kg. He basically gives you everything but the mass, and you have to solve for mass.�
�Great! So we just need to know the formulas right?� she asked me, suddenly serious.
�Yeah, I just programmed them into my graphing calculator. Why study when you can have everything right in front of you?�
�I don�t know��
�It was a rhetorical question.� I paused to think for a second, and then decided to try and make her laugh. �Wanna make out for a while, I�m bored and there�s no one else to talk to?�
�Sure,� she mumbled under her breath, caught up in an old Physics worksheet. �But then my boyfriend would come and kick your ass.�
�Yeah, your boyfriend, right�My girlfriend would kick my ass too, so I�d be screwed twice I guess.� Feigning disappointment, I looked away and pretended to cry.
�Aw, big man crying,� she said sardonically. �I�m impressed.� Bored, she started doodling on her notebook. She was drawing little hearts and then shading them in, yippee�the excitement never ceases in Stacey�s life!
�Aw,� I began, �How sweet, for me?�
�No,� Stacey said, smiling tenderly.
I rolled my eyes, taking my discman out of my backpack, and putting in a Toad the Wet Sprocket CD. Ah�The most soothing music in the world, I thought.
Layla Kalaproontaraama was one of the sweetest people I knew, which is why we picked on her so much. She wasn�t the prettiest girl, but she had a nice body and was really nice.
So we were watching a video about a poor man named Phineas Gage. He got a priming rod shot through his cheek and out his skull, and he lived to tell about it! Unfortunately, my social studies class was no where near as exciting.
Most of the class was asleep and I was spending my time alternately looking at the TV and Layla�s legs. Every once in awhile I would plop my head down on the desk and try to catch a few Zs. To no avail though, because I couldn�t sleep at certain times of the day. I was so bored, I considered going for a bathroom break and just not coming back. But no, I was too much of a goody-goody, so I just took a deep breath, and contemplated suicide. Finally, after approximately four hours of sheer boredom and hell, we were freed from the restraints of class and set free to help define the law of entropy. So Layla and I set off out of the room, arm in arm, chatting away.
�That was the freakiest movie I have ever seen in my life!� I said. �I think I�m gonna be scared for a week!�
�It wasn�t that great. It was stupid how gory it was.�
�Yeah, but it would have been just as scary without the gore, it was the music that scares you. You know, the great crescendo: DEEEH! That�s what really scares you, first the build-up, then suspense of waiting for and trying to avoid the deadly DEEEH. �
�That�s so stupid.� She punched my arm.
I punched her arm back, though lightly, and glared at Layla.
�Excuse me,� she said, �Why�re you such an antagonist?�
�You wanna take this outside?� I asked, feigning anger.
�Maybe, but I�d rather go to the air-conditioned cafetaria.�
�Me three.�
�Huh?�
�I�m sick of saying �me too�,� I explained, �so I made a little pun and now always say �me three�.�
�Oh, ha ha,� she fake-laughed at me, �You know, that was pretty funny, maybe I�ll laugh in a day or two!�
I grabbed her waist and pulled her close to me, saying: �Really? I bet you I can make you laugh right now.� I made my monkey face at her.
She smiled, saying: �That face seems to suit you well��
I tickled her side a bit and she kind of convulsed giggling, and yelled: �Stop it!�
I seem to be getting no where, fast.
So now comes the part where I present my master plan for choosing between the two girls. I decided that whomsoever was the more compassionate, should win my heart�I hope! I took a piece of paper and began outlining my plan. Oh, it was a beaut; if only it had worked properly�
It was really all quite simple. There was a big soccer game the next weekend, and I was supposed to be the school mascot (yes, I look like a giant chicken, so they chose me!). The �Eddie the Eagle� suit was made of brown fur-like stuff, with a giant white head and an orange beak. The feet were actually socks that were as thick as sweat pants, and the shoes were like sandals that didn�t protect my feet at all. It was the perfect decoy�
So the game started at about 11:30 AM, and by 11:45 AM everyone knew it was going to be a really hot day. The tropical atmosphere didn�t help much. With one hundred percent humidity daily, it was a wonder that the sky didn�t fall constantly. The temperature was about eighty-five degrees and, lucky for us, the stadium blocked out the small wind that would have otherwise cooled us immeasurably. After thirty-five minutes, it was time for the half-time show.
So the crowd watched as Eddie the Eagle ran out onto the field, doing round-offs and back- handsprings and picking up the bullhorn to spell out the school�s name in cheers. He was a wild man, that Eddie, a regular party animal. The mascot was apparently caught up in the soccer fever.
All of a sudden, to the curious spectators, it appeared that Eddie the Eagle threw his head off, and fell to the ground. He seemed to be suffering from heat exhaustion or maybe even a heat stroke, and the school Activities Co-ordinator rushed to his side to help him out of the Eddie the Eagle suit. On the ground, under the bleachers, a crowd had already gathered around the hapless Eddie.
Layla and Stacey were making their way through the crowd�from opposite directions�and moving closer to poor Eddie the Eagle, now threadbare�looking plucked like a Thanksgiving Turkey. Layla rushed to his side and took his head in her lap, gently stroking his hair. Stacey just managed to push her way through the throng and fell at Eddie�s side. She gently clasped his hand and rubbed it a bit. Then she pushed Layla�s hand away and began stroking Eddie�s hair. Layla grabbed his other hand and the two of them started gently cooing �It�ll be all right�s, �Come on, wake up�s and �Just wait, we�re getting some water�s. They both seemed quite depressed, and didn�t really notice each other.
Squinting my eyes open a bit, I just managed to catch my best friend�s eye. I smiled in his direction, and he rolled his eyes with disgust. God, I thought, now how will I choose?
