THE SCI-FI CONVENTION
ell, here we are!!"
Robert's girlfriend, a curvaceous blonde named Sandra, looked at the doors to the building uneasily. A painting of THE MASK grinned back at her. She grimaced.
"I don't know, Rob," she said. "What about all those stories we read about in the tabloids? These things are inhabited by the dregs of humanity. And I'm NOT that big a fan of science-fiction!"
Robert chuckled. "Those are just stories, dear. Nobody is really as geeky as that. I mean, look at me! I'm the world's biggest fan of STAR WARS and DR. WHO, and I'm a doctor." He squeezed her hand reassuringly.
She smiled. "Wellll, alright," she said.
"Then let's go!"
He pushed open the door.
"Holy shit!!"
Rob and Sandra stood dumbfounded, staring around the huge room. There were tables all over the place, peddling all sorts of sci-fi paraphanalia. People rushed around, most of them wearing costumes. Rob spotted Mr. Spock, the Predator, three Han Solos, a Boba Fett, and something that looked like a huge penis in a military uniform.
One of the Han Solos sauntered up, trying to act like the real thing. Although, with the braces and the runaway acne, he wasn't to convincing.
"Wow! That's some serious cleavage your ladyfriend has, Mister!" Solo said to Rob, his eyes bulging in their sockets.
"Hey, that's my girlfriend, buddy!" Rob yelled.
"Yeah, well! Those are the biggest, juiciest tits I've ever seen." He nudged Rob in the ribs. "I bet she gives great head, huh?"
Sandra, who was only wearing a bikini top and a pair of cut-off jean shorts, turned to leave.
"Get outa here, before I kick your ass," Rob said.
Solo shrugged and walked off, saying, "She ain't as hot as my Princess Leia, anyways."
"Honey....."
"This place is full of complete losers! I'm going shopping... or something," she said, pushing open the door. "Have fun. I'll meet you back at the hotel."
Rob gave her a quick kiss, and she was gone. He walked out into the throng.
"How bad could it possibly be?" he muttered to himself.
Up on the stage, William Shatner, apparently a guest speaker, screamed, "GET A FUCKING LIFE!!!" and stormed off. A fat, pimply-faced Lt. Uhura started to blubber, as Mr. Spock stared on without emotion.
"Maybe I'll get something to eat first," Rob whispered, heading for a hot-dog vendor. A balding, Coke-bottle glassed Yoda stood behind it.
"Interesting you in a hot-dog, can I?" Yoda asked.
"Uh....Yeah." Rob fished for his money. Xena, Warrior Princess (or was that, Prince?) wandered past.
"Liking on it you would like what, yes?"
"Excuse me?" Rob had no idea what Yoda was trying to ask him.
"Liking on it you would like what, yes?"
"WHAT!?!"
"SPEAK ENGLISH, YOU GODDAMN ARSEHOLE!!!" Rob grabbed Yoda by the ears, and started to pull. The greasy little toad squealed like a green pig; his arms flapped wildly, knocking things off the cart. The floor was littered with weiners.
Get ahold of yourself, man, Rob thought. Finally, he put Yoda down, and wandered off, looking for something to keep him occupied.
Behind him, Yoda flipped Rob the bird.
Rob walked by the BABYLON 5 table, where a Captain Sheridan wannabe was discussing the finer points of some battle stratagies used during the Shadow War.
"It's NOT REAL, you pathetic LOSER!!" Rob bellowed as he strode past. Captain Sheridan emitted a loud, farting noise and promptly crapped his drawers. Rob kept on walking.
"This can't be happening," he said. "People aren't really like this." A grossly overweight, bearded Italian Buffy the Vampire Slayer looked up from his chair, munching a burrito.
"You talking to me, mister?" s/he asked.
"Piss off, lard-ass."
Buffy shrugged, and kept eating.
Rob stopped at the STAR WARS table, looking at the displayed action figures. "Whoa!" he exclaimed, as one caught his eye. "A Yak Face! My collection will be complete." He was about to reach for it, when someone else picked it up.
Someone with a green hand.
"Collection complete now will be," said the hotdog-vending Jedi Master.
A red mist seemed to cover Rob's eyes. "AAARRRRRRGGHHHIIIIII SAW IT FIRST!!!" Rob yelled, lunging towards the Yak Face action figure. A small group of Marvel Super-heroes clustered to watch the ensuing acts of random violence.
Yoda backpedaled, smashing into Agent Mulder. Rob hauled off, punch- ing the Jedi hard in the solar plexus. The little green man hit the floor with a crash, releasing his hold on the Yak Face. It skittered under a table.
Rob raced after it, pushing past the Terminator. He was just bending to pick it up, when Yoda grabbed his leg, toppling Rob to the floor. They rolled around, yelling and screaming.
As Rob jumped up, kicking Yoda In the stomach and screeching like a madman, a small child looked up at his mother.
"Wus the man doin ta Yada, mama?"
The mother, at a loss for words, replied, "Teaching him the ways of the Force, dear!"
The child thought this over. "Gud! Fer a second, I tot he was kikin the shit out of Yada," he said. "Dat would be BAD."
Meanwhile, Rob was holding Yoda in a vicious headlock, yelling at him to say 'Uncle.'
"Hey! Stop that!!" someone yelled.
Rob whirled to face the huge penis he'd seen earlier. It lunged at Rob, who stuck out his foot. The Military Penis crashed down on top of Yoda, who was screaming, "BEWARE THE DARK SIDE! BEWARE THE DARKSIDE!" at the top of his lungs.
Rob shoved a fist in Yoda's mouth.
Again and again.
"What in hell are you supposed to be, anyways?!!" he screamed at the Penis, who was no longer moving.
"STOP!"
Next thing Rob knew, he was being pummeled by ten Timecops and a midget dressed like Scorpion from MORTAL KOMBAT. As the billyclubs smashed in his teeth, and blackness crept closer, all Rob could see was Sandra's beautiful face.
Saying, "I told you so!"
While bailing him out of the local jail.
Shit, Rob thought, I just wanted a relaxing day.
Fuckin' Yoda!!!
Fade to Black.
